All the Single Ladies

Last week, I found myself in a conversation with four single women discussing my experiences with dating and waiting before I got married.  As we talked, I was reminded of two things:  the incredible frustration that can come as you wait on the man God has for you, and the fact that I still know more about being single than I do about being married as I did not go on the first date with my now husband until I was thirty-four.  So,  I'm going to share some of that conversation with you, at least my part of it, in the hopes that it can help some of you out there who are still single.  I was going to say that I can't claim to be an expert, but I think 15 years of being single (I start counting from age twenty and count up to the wedding day) actually gives me some pretty solid credibility. 

The reason I start counting singleness from the age of twenty is because that is when you are officially no longer a teenager.  Now, most twenty-year-olds don't identify themselves as single.  I know I didn't, but I think it qualifies.  The funny thing about being single is that you don't feel single right away.  Ironically, most of us don't identify ourselves as being single until we are painfully aware that we are not yet married.  Up until that moment, I was a content young adult, happy to enjoy the freedoms that came with being on my own in the world.  It really did feel like someone flipped a switch on me one day when I was about twenty-six and suddenly the "single" light came on over my head. Not a light so much as a flashing neon sign that screamed to the world, "table for one!"  It was the time in my life when weddings stopped feeling like a party and started feeling like an exercise in pointing out how alone I was, seated at the dreaded singles table with the other desperate folks as I calculated my plan to be in the bathroom when the bouquet toss came around.  Beyonce's "Single Ladies" came out the year Maurice and I were dating, so I didn't have the fun, girl power anthem for my years of bouquet catching.  Oh no, I was single in the years when snarky DJ's liked to play songs like "We Are Family" or "I Will Survive" for that glorious moment.  The former's chorus of "I got all my sisters with me" only served to emphasize we were  a bunch of girls with no guys in our lives, and the latter pointed out that we'd all been dumped.  Awesome. 

Yes, when the feeling of "single" became real, I was acutely aware that my carefully formulated schedule for my life was close to veering off course.  I "planned" to be married by twenty-seven and having my first baby by twenty-eight, so I only had a year to get with the program.  Fortunately for me, by then, I was in a relationship with Christ, so I knew that I was not to grab any guy that came along, but wait for the one He had for me.  In fact, when I became a Christian at twenty-five, I spent the first year and half with no interest in dating.  I was growing closer to God, and knew a man would be a distraction. I read a book that suggested a six month hiatus on dating while you worked on such things, and I happily made the commitment, even saying to myself and Jesus that I probably needed a year, with my past mistakes.  So, at twenty-six,  I felt like I had done some good work on me with the Lord's help, and I was ready for my knight to appear.  By the time I was approaching my twenty-seventh birthday, I began to grow a bit restless, and found myself taking an evangelistic approach to dating a guy I'd met at work.  That's when you date a guy who doesn't have a relationship with Christ, but is willing to go with you to church sometimes, so you convince yourself that God has brought you into his life to lead him to Jesus and then marry him. Yeah.  That doesn't work.  What it led me to was sin, personal failure, and a whole new bucket of junk to take to the Lord for healing and forgiveness.  I slipped from my re-commitment to sexual purity and it felt all the worse, because this time I knew without a doubt that it was sin.  To make matters worse, I had prayed for God to take me out of the relationship if it was not right, and He gave me several clear opportunities to get out, including having the guy attempt to break up with me, but I did not take advantage of them.  I felt foolish and suddenly realized that I might not be able to trust myself to make the best decisions when dating, so I prayed a high risk dating prayer.  

At the age of twenty-seven, I prayed that the next guy I date be THE guy and that I would not have any more casual dates or boyfriends.  I was ready to wait for my husband. I really was.  Of course, I didn't know that would mean seven years without a date.  SEVEN YEARS!  I know that Jacob had to work seven years for Rachel and the Bible says it seemed like only a few days because of his great love for her, but I didn't have Maurice to look at and get to know over those seven years, so it felt like a few decades to me!  Seven years of solo time.  Seven years of New Year's Eves with no one to kiss.  Seven years of holding no one's hand outside of prayer time and babysitting.  Seven years of take-out for one and movies by myself.  Okay, I still go to movies by myself because you aren't supposed to be talking to anyone during the movie, but that is not my point here.  SEVEN YEARS!

However, what took place in those seven years was more than meals alone and hiding in the bathroom during the bouquet toss (yes, I really did that).  During those seven years, God called me into full-time ministry. I left my friends, family, and church to move to Dallas and study at seminary.  During those seven years God led me to Fellowship Church where my ministry skills were honed and developed.  During those seven years, God revealed to me my gifts as a speaker and teacher of His word.  During those seven years I made some of the greatest friendships of my life.  During those seven years, God directed me to Christian counseling where I worked through a great deal of my past sin and guilt and began to truly allow the Lord to work on my heart and change me for His purposes. During those seven years I sat under teaching about marriage and relationships and began to develop a biblically informed view of what I needed most in a husband.  During those seven years, I learned how to be a better steward of my finances.  During those seven years I got to travel to Europe with my sister and New York and Boston and D.C. with my friends.  Most importantly, during those seven years, I learned to put God first in my life. I became wholly dependent on my relationship with Him, which made me whole.  

In that conversation last week, one of the women asked me how I knew Maurice was the one.  To be honest, I didn't know right away. What I knew right away was that he was a Christ-follower, and I knew it not because he said it, but because he lived it.  He'd been at the church for two years before he ever asked me out and I'd seen him serve faithfully Sunday after Sunday.  I saw him attend bible study classes whenever we had them.  He was often one of the last guys hanging around helping clean up after events and did so without ever having to be asked.  The only thing I really knew about him when he asked me out was the sincerity of his relationship with Christ and his servant's heart.  It was after we began dating that I learned he was funny and witty, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, athletic, and smart with his finances.  The most important quality that I knew I needed in a man was a strong, individual relationship with Christ.  I had a long list of other qualities I wanted, but that was at the top and at first that was all I was sure of when it came to my guy.  

So what is my point? I have several.  God's timing is better than your timing, so trust Him to bring your man to you at the right time.  God wants you to work on you right now so do the work: read His word, pray, seek Christian counseling, go to church, and submit yourself to that work.  I'm not telling you that your man will come when God is done working on you, because God is NEVER done working on you.  I'm just telling you that you can't put the work on pause while you wait for a man.  The work starts with the relationship with Christ, so get working and keep working.  Also, you have a life to live while you wait, so live it.  Take trips, make friends, try new things, don't save it all until you get married or you'll be missing a lot!  Learn everything you can about being married God's way from the Bible, your church, your married Christian friends, etc.  You won't even realize how much you are taking in and being prepared until after you get married.  Finally, I have to tell you the old adage is true.  Run towards Christ and then one day you'll look to the side and see a man running alongside you towards Christ, and he will be the man for you.  This is vital because to stay married you'll both have to keep running towards Him.  Trust God to bring the right man into your life at the right time, because you will have to trust Him to keep your marriage together for the rest of your lives.  The exercise in faith that is being single and waiting is merely preparation for the faith required to stay married for the rest of your lives. I'm just sayin'!

Beautiful, peaceful morning.

The Best Laid Plans...

So I arrived at Allaso Ranch yesterday afternoon with a message ready. I'd been asked to speak to the students about bringing what they get at camp home. I'd been thinking about my message for a few weeks and had landed on an illustration about souvenirs and the story of Saul's conversion. I made a few tweaks around 4pm and was ready to go.

At high school camp the evening worship experience starts at 9pm. If that is your bedtime camp will mess you up, believe me. I'm a late night gal, so speaking at 9:30 doesn't phase me too much. As I stood in the back for the run through, I spoke with a couple of the trainers and pastors and learned a little about the kids in attendance. I began to feel this nudge that perhaps God was going to change my message. This is a nudge I have felt before, but it never fails to make my stomach drop a little. By the time the kids were into the second worship song, I knew my planned and practiced message had been tabled. God whispered some new scripture in my ear, and I took a deep breath as I quickly pulled them up on my iPhone and copied them into a note.

I had one more song to pray and talk to God about where He was taking me now and then my name was being called. I will tell you that this does not happen all the time. I will also tell you that it is the most disarming way to step in front of a group as a speaker. However, there is also a peace that comes over me in these moments. I am never more aware that the words are not mine, but God's. I am completely submitted to Him in these moments. I have to be or else I would hyperventilate myself into a panic attack.

I want to carry this feeling over to the other areas of my life where I struggle to submit: in my work, my marriage, my friendships. Surrender is such a key aspect of being a Christian, yet it can be one of the hardest things to do. If I can just remember that each day is just like last night. I may have plans, but God's plans trump mine, and He is ready to put His plans into play over mine at any moment.

Summer Camp!

Headed to Allaso Ranch to speak to the high school students of Fellowship Church. No matter how wisely I pack, I still have this giant bag for one night because I have to pack bedding. Makes me wonder why I took out the extra t-shirt now. Like that helped.

Not Just Another Day on the Calendar

Dates and memory have a special connection in our minds. I'm not talking about the fruit or an evening out with your significant other, but dates on a calendar.  We mark the passing of various events in our life on the calendars of our minds, and give specific dates significance.  Families celebrate birthdays and anniversaries each year on a particular date.  Most nations have particular dates that are considered holidays, nationally acknowledged with parades and fireworks and flags flying high. We mark dates on our calendars with big red circles when certain things we are looking forward to will happen: graduations, big trips, new jobs, etc.  Recovering addicts  have a date of sobriety that marks a milestone each time it circles around, celebrating another sober year.  I think there is great value in celebrating the accomplishments and joyous occasions of your life year after year.  

I also know, that some dates on the calendar mark times of grief, loss, and sadness.  Those dates come around each year brining back the pain and hurt of times gone by. Instead of the bright red circle, they often sit blank on our physical calendars, but on the calendar of our hearts they are marked with a giant X as we countdown to a difficult day.  I'm a person who remembers the significant dates, both good and bad.  I can tell you the date I graduated from high school and the date my college boyfriend dumped me.  I've always had a good memory for dates, and while that has been great for the celebrations, at different times in my life it has been crippling when I've marked the painful dates of my life.  Recently, I found myself facing a date that I had been dreading for months...the "due date" for the child that I miscarried at the end of last year.  It was as though an hourglass had been turned over in my mind and I was watching the sand fall down on me, ready to bury me anew in the grief and pain of the loss of that baby.  I found myself praying for God to give me the strength to get through that day, knowing I'd likely be buried under blankets and tears.

As He has done several times in my life, God sent words through my mother in answer to my prayer.  She and I were talking just a few weeks ago about this very subject and she said something that had never occurred to me.  It is the enemy that wants us to give those dates a place of significance and use it each year to drag us down, not God.  God wants us to mark the times when He has triumphed in our lives, and we have overcome because of His strength.  While we may not be able to completely forget the date, we can choose how that date impacts us and how we want to live on that day.  Her words made me think of the feast days that God commanded the Israelites to celebrate each year.   Those days marked times of victory, deliverance, and provision.   The dates when God has done these same things in my life, are the days that He wants to be most significant in my life. 

This realization, helped me to make a plan for the "due date".  I enlisted the help of my husband and together we planned a day of fun and time together.  Rather than spend the day in the house wrapped in a blanket, playing sad music, and weeping (that would have been me, not Maurice), we got up and made a special breakfast, saw a matinee movie, played in the mall, and then spent the evening with some close friends celebrating the 4th of July.  We were determined to make it a good day.  Now, certainly there were moments throughout that day where I thought of our loss and felt sadness, but they were moments, not hours.  Instead of the day of sorrow I'd been anticipating, I experienced a day of joy.  Now, where have I heard that before...?

To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the LORD has planted for his own glory. 

Isaiah 61:3

I wanted to share this with you because I know that many of you have a date that you are dreading, or that you dread every year.  A date that holds memories of pain and loss and grief.  It may be the date you lost a parent, or the date the love of your life walked out, or your own loss of a child.  I don't know what that date is in your life, but I know from what I have just experienced that God wants to and is ready to make that a different day for you the next time it comes around on the calendar.  He wants to give you the praise instead of despair on that day. Knowing that it is what God wants for you, I want to encourage you to allow Him to do the work in your life.  Plan a day of joy instead of preparing for a day of sorrow.  Reach out to someone who loves you and have them help you make that a different day.  Don't burrow into your own cocoon of loneliness and grief.  Trust that God will hear your desire for a better day on that date and give it to you, because He delights in you.  

City Girl Goes to the Country

I'm a city girl.  I know this. I love concrete and sirens and hearing my neighbors through the wall.  I can find my way around the downtown area with no problem, and don't really understand why it is hard for others sometimes.  So driving to see my friend Regina at her parent's house in a small town outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma would be the opposite of my normal environment.  The GPS was actually able to get me all the way to their street.  Something I was told was special, as many people's GPS can only get them as far as the highway exit.  However, it only got me to the street and not the house, so my final instructions came from Regina via text.  You can read them in the image below.  Feel free to laugh. I definitely did. 

For the record, they were great instructions. I did find my way.  We'll see if I find my way out!

What Mac & Cheese Taught Me About God

I have had a lifelong, love relationship with macaroni & cheese.  I can't claim to remember my first bite, but I'm sure if footage of that moment existed, there would have been a look of bliss on a toddler's face.  I grew up on my mom's mac & cheese.  She makes it from scratch in the 9x12 CorningWare/Pyrex dish baked in the oven.  It is heavenly.  When I was about five or six we spent some of our summer days at a neighbor's house playing with her kids while my mom worked.  She made her mac & cheese from this mysterious blue box from a magical land called Kraft.  The noodles were smaller and the cheese was more of a sauce than, actual melted cheese, yet I loved it.  In fact, there are rumors that I went home and asked if we could have this mac & cheese from Kraft instead of the homemade kind.  I can neither confirm nor deny these rumors, but if you ask my mother she likely will tell you. What I can tell you, is that we never did have it at home.  It wasn't until my college years that I went back to the old faithful blue box of Kraft.  I remember on one particular occasion, being broke and buying the store brand.  FAIL.  That only happened once.  Brand loyalty was serious when it came to the sacred mac & cheese, so I stuck to what I knew was best. Once I hit my thirties, it seemed only right to start being a "grown-up" and  making my mom's recipe.  My inclination for processed foods still had me occasionally indulging in the Kraft powder-butter-milk combo, but only for late night snacks and quick lunches.  My friend Regina makes a mean mac & cheese that I fell for in recent years, and once I got the recipe and learned it included the use of Velveeta, I understood why it was so good to me albeit not so good for me.  When, I got married and began making it for my husband and myself, I found myself going back and forth between mom's recipe and Regina's, sometimes using a hybrid of both.   

However, recently I've been eating a bit differently and trying to avoid anything processed, excessive use of dairy, and too much gluten to name a few things.  That made mac & cheese a difficult thing to indulge in since in both of my recipe options it included dairy or gluten or processed stuff if not all three. That means I've had to go without one of my favs for several weeks.  This week, I found myself determined to come up with the best possible option that I could and was delighted to find a vegan/gluten-free recipe for mac & cheese.  I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out, but when all was said and done, I had a pretty delicious bowl of vegan cheese substitute and gluten-free noodles.  It may sound wrong, but it tasted right. I ate every bite in my bowl and had a satisfied smile on my face when I was done. 

And that is when it hit me.  Mac & Cheese was a great metaphor for the desires of my heart.  I have always desired a few specific things for my life.  As a child, my parents made sure that I got the best foundation for those things in the best possible ways, just like mom's homemade mac & cheese.  She made it from scratch with real ingredients so that I could have the best.  I didn't know that the cheese or milk in it was better for me than what came in the processed Kraft box, I just knew it was good.  The choices my parents guided me to make, the things they exposed me to, and the desires they encouraged were things that were better for me and for my spiritual and mental health.  In my college years, just as I went for the processed, easier version of what mom had served in the bowl, I went for the slick, easier version of the desires of my heart.  I allowed convenience to sway how I went after my desires.  At the core, I still wanted the some of the same, good things, I just thought I'd found an easier way to get them.  As I matured, I recognized the value of the homemade dish my mom used to serve and started to make it for myself.  In that same way, I recognized the value of the faith my parents had lived out and began to seek it out for myself, making my own choices to pursue the right things in the right ways.  At times along the way, I tried to merge my own way to acquire my desires for myself with God's way, just as I tried to throw a little Velveeta into mom's classic recipe.  And now, I've come to a place in life where I have to give up my love of junk food and all things processed and prioritize a  greater good in my life.  So, I have surrendered.  I have surrendered my preferences, for the better choices.  I have surrendered my will, my timetable, and my way, for God's will, God's timing, and God's way,...

...and in surrendering, I have found that God will still allow me to experience satisfaction.  He still gives me joy.  He still wants me to have pleasure and happiness in this life.  It may not be playing out exactly as I want it to play out, but the knowledge that things are happening according to His will brings me great comfort.  It adds patience to an impatient heart.  It allows for smiles to outnumber tears.  And it brings me peace, supernatural, unexplainable, peace. A peace I had read about in Scripture many times, but never truly experienced until now, as I live with a hope deferred. 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

This is not the post I thought I would be writing this week.  If you had asked me just a week ago, as I continue to pray for a desire of my heart that may not be God's will for my life, I would have said no.  Somehow, in the midst of the prayers, reading the Psalms (where I have stayed focused in this season) and God's perfect timing, I have landed here.  I am content as I eat my new mac & cheese, thank God for what He has already done, and trust Him with my future. 

How I Do Sick

The dreaded summer cold has taken over my body.  It seems impossible, since I'm currently taking more vitamins and eating healthier than I ever have in my life, but it is true. A summer cold calls for a slight alteration to my normal "sick routine".  Were this my typical January cold, I'd have the space heater out or the fire lit if we actually remembered to have firewood.  I would be strategically tucked under my red Cozy Cuffs blanket (a fancy brand Snuggie) while wearing  thick socks with my flannel pjs;  however, it is June and the temp is in the 90s, so I had to substitute the flannel pjs for an extra large, super old t-shirt and cotton sleep shorts.  The fire/heater has been replaced with a non-stop ceiling fan.  My big red blanket is in storage where it belongs so I'm snuggled under a thin chenille throw.  I have my tea, but I'm letting it cool down to lukewarm before I drink it, and I'm getting most of my fluids from water with fresh mint.  Of course, my trusty box(es) of Kleenex are good for all seasons (and, yes, I did mean the name brand Kleenex, like Beyonce, it is irreplaceable).  The MacBook and the muted iPhone are close at all times so I can stay tuned into the outside world via Facebook and Twitter, play games, and read everything from the Bible to recipes to books to blogs!  Throw in a couple of old movies I've saved on the TIVO (I recommend recording your favorite classic films for just such an occasion), and I'm ready to spend most of the day sound asleep in a Nyquil induced coma surrounded by a bunch of stuff I will barely look at.  I promise to post something more meaningful later this week once I stop sneezing and the Nyquil wears off!