That's right, the holidays are coming. The grocery store has special displays of canned pumpkin and turkeys. Cities are hanging giant ornaments over the streets. I'm trying to decide if I can get away with putting my Christmas decorations up this weekend. And while there is much to look forward to, I thought I would take a moment to help us all out with some things we should NOT say this holiday season.
Questions 1: So are you dating anyone?
Many unattached individuals are dreading their annual trek to the family dinner at Thanksgiving or Christmas because of the number of times they will be hit with this question. I remember a hatred of holiday gatherings building up in my heart as a single thirty-something because of this question. If someone is dating, and they want you to know about it, they will tell you. It will be a part of their answer to the first question you asked, "What's new with you?" or they will drop a "we" into a story they are telling. Until that happens, just assume they have nothing to announce and talk about the cranberry sauce.
Question 2: Why aren't you married yet?
This is a question that gets thrown out by someone who has been married so long they've forgotten what it was like to be single. Short of the answer being, "I've chosen to never marry anyone," there is no answer for this question. If a single person who wants to be married could answer this question, he/she would no longer be single. Maybe you are asking this question because you think the person is awesome and deserves to be married. That's great, but just say, "you're awesome" and then go home and pray for God to send a spouse.
Question 3: Are you guys serious?/Are you going to put a ring on it?/Do I hear wedding bells?
Or any other not so subtle way of asking a person in a dating relationship if they are going to end up married. If you are not the parent of one of the individuals having a heart to heart, private conversation to check on your adult child or pass on great-grandma's ring, then this question in any form is none of your business. That's right. I said it, and I'll say it again before this post is over. Stop asking things that are not your business. When you are supposed to know, you'll know. Goodness knows we have a million ways of announcing such news these days between social media, smart phones, or the girlie squeal across a room after spotting a sparkly diamond on someone's hand. When a couple is ready to announce their engagement, they will do so. Until then, the rest of us just have to wait for a save the date!
Question 4: When will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?
Ahh, yes the dreaded baby questions. Just when you thought you were safe from awkward questions because you finally got married, you find out there are still ways for you to feel uncomfortable in the kitchen when all you wanted was to get a piece of pie. Seriously, we should NEVER be asking people about this. We don't know what is happening in their world. Maybe they are not ready to have kids yet. Maybe they want kids, but are having trouble getting pregnant. Maybe they want kids, but have some issues to work through first. Maybe, they just don't want to have kids. Whatever the case may be, it is not appropriate to ask. Ask about the pie instead.
Question 5: Are you guys going to have more kids?
I gave birth just a few months ago and almost immediately had people asking me if my husband and I were going to have more kids. My answer, "We just got this one!" How many children a couple wants to have or is able to have is extremely personal. See question 4 for some of the reasons why. In the meantime, try asking questions about the kid(s) that are already here. Parents have no problem talking about their existing children.
There are more questions I'd like to help us stop asking, but I'll save them for a future post. My husband nailed it on the head when he told me once that people ask these kind of questions because they are uncomfortable with silence and think they need to say something, but God reminds us that we don't need to rush to speak.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19
So let's embrace some silence. If we do more listening and are slower to speak, we'll all help someone be a lot less angry this holiday season and throughout the year!
(If you have a question to add to my list post it in the comments below. As I said, there will be a part two to this post.)
