#SingleGalSecrets: Slow Your Roll

Although I am a happily married woman, I have spent more of my adult life single than married and I have several friends still waiting for their man to get his act together and come find them, therefore, I'm always thinking about you single gals out there and ways that I can share some of the wisdom I gleaned in my single years and hopefully encourage you.  I'm calling these things Single Gal Secrets. They are not secrets in that they are hidden or particularly mysterious, but I think of them as the secrets to surviving and thriving in the single years.  I don't want you ladies to just be surviving being single; it's not enough to not die. I want to see you thrive and experience great joy and satisfaction right now in your life. 

So this secret must start with a confession.  In my single years, I once got angry with God.  Okay, maybe not so much once, more like intermittently.  I would have months and months go by when I felt in harmony with God and content with His will for my life, but invariably a time would come when I would look around at my life and find myself dissatisfied with my job, my financial situation, my city, or the lack of a man in my life. You're right, it was most often the lack of a man in my life.  I particularly remember when I was twenty-nine years old, I went to three weddings three weekends in a row. Yes, I was happy for my close friend, my not so close friend, and my younger cousin (that's right, I said younger).  Yes, it was great to celebrate others and know that love was still alive.  Yes, the cake was good. However, the thing that I was most aware of was the fact that it was not happening for me.  I had grown impatient with God and felt that He'd skipped me in the "waiting for a husband" line.  The more I prayed, journaled and talked out loud in my empty apartment about it, the angrier I got, until I was downright ticked!  I felt justified in my anger because at the time I was in seminary studying for the ministry.  I had quit my career, taken a huge pay cut, moved to a new city, and gone back to student life all in obedience to God's call, and He couldn't throw a husband my way?  Seriously?  

The funny thing about anger, especially getting angry with God, is that too often we are reacting to something without knowing the whole story.  How often have you become angry with a friend, family member or co-worker and later realized that the thing that made you angry was only part of the story, the rest of which completely defused your anger leaving you to feel foolish for having thrown a tantrum.  The Bible describes it perfectly.  Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29)  That November when I was so angry, I was assuming that the time was right for me to have a husband and that the man God had destined for me was ready to be a husband.  I was assuming that my life would be better with a husband. I was acting as if God had broken a promise to me or owed me an explanation.  I forgot the most important thing: He is God and I am not.  He knows the whole story of my life and I only know bits and pieces.  He has a perfect will, but He only reveals it to us in His timing.  I forgot that although marriage is God's creation and a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church, it is not actually promised to us all.  I forgot that I had prayed to not meet anyone while I was in seminary so I could focus on my studies and be fully devoted to preparing to enter the ministry (idiot = me).   Mostly, I forgot that I am not in any way, shape or form in control of my life, and I'm better off for it!  I wanted God to be in control, but I also wanted to direct how He controlled things.  Foolishness. There is nothing more dangerous than believing that your plan is better than God's plan. 

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12 

I get it. You're tired of waiting. You're frustrated.  You're lonely. You're unhappy.  You're (whispered) getting older.  I really do understand that you may be feeling the burden of  one or all of these things. I'm not going to tell you that I have some three-step plan for you to take that will result in a husband showing up on your doorstep. In fact, in this particular season in my life, when my anger had me resenting God's plan and tempted me to try to take the reins back from Him and run my own life, I was saved, not by the arrival of my husband (he didn't come on the scene for another 5 years), but by wise counsel and truth from God's word.  If you are being quick tempered with God because of what is missing from your life, focus instead on these things that you already have! 

  

God has given you forgiveness.

Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter,... Mark 3:28

You have been forgiven for all of your sins.  From the worst thing you've done to the gossip you shared last week and even the anger you've been feeling towards God, it has all been forgiven; you don't have to feel bad about any of it.  We are required only to confess our sin in prayer and turn back to God to know that we have been forgiven. Forgiveness is an incredible thing to cherish, because without it, we have no hope for the future.  That you have been forgiven by Christ means you are in relationship with God and have His love, protection, grace and mercy.  You have Creator of the universe looking out for you.  

God has given you the power of the Holy Spirit.  

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you;... Acts 1:8

The Holy Spirit will give you the power, the will, the comfort, the discernment and everything else you need to navigate this life, even this single life!  In the times when you are lonely, He will comfort you. In the times when you are trying to make things happen your own way, He will convict you and redirect you towards God.  In the times when you are trying to determine what your next step should be, He will give you the discernment to know which way to go.  You have 24/7 access to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  Rather than feeling powerless in your singleness, know that you are empowered by your faithfulness! 

God has promised you an abundant life.  

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 

Abundance does not start with a man or marriage, it does not start with a new job or your next raise.  You can and should be living an abundant life right now, in this season. Stop focusing on what you don't have and start focusing on what you do have.  Every believer has some aspect of this abundant life.  Maybe it is an incredibly loving family of origin.  Perhaps you have the best friends on the planet. Maybe you are planning a trip to your dream destination.  Perhaps you just found the perfect pair of shoes on sale! Whatever you have in your life that you can celebrate, do just that. Celebrate it.  Enjoy it. Relish it.  Recognize that this is the abundance in your life right now. 

Angry seasons are going to come, but you don't have to get sucked into them.  When your quick temper starts to get the best of you, slow your roll, focus on what you have, and relinquish control to the only one that knows what is truly best for you.  God has your best interest at heart and a perfect plan for your life.  Perfect, by His definition, not yours. And where else should our perfect plan come from than from the Perfect one? 

** Single gals, I'd love to hear from you! What secrets would you like me to share.  Please let me know in the comments section!  

#WifeStuff: A Word on Getting the Last Word

First, to the unmarried readers of my blog, please don't feel you need to skip over this post.  I really believe that there is something in this for you too, and if you read this and disagree, take heart, next week's post is just for you!

I remember hearing from a pastor that single Christians have the great opportunity to work through many of their personal issues and areas of weakness only to get married and discover they haven't done nearly as much work as they thought they had.  Yes, it's true, marriage is one of God's best tools for molding and shaping us into the image of Christ.  In over six years of marriage I can confess that God has done exponentially more work in me in the areas I struggle, than He did in the ten years before when I was a Christian but not yet a wife.  Today, I simply want to share with you one lesson that I have learned, and continue to learn, as a wife.  It is my great hope that this post will bring both conviction and encouragement.  I want to issue this warning as a chance to see clearly an area where you may be missing the mark and an opportunity to make a change, quickly! 

To quote Whoopi Goldberg's character in the 1990 hit movie "Ghost", 

"Molly, you in danger girl!" 

What danger you ask?  How do I know? And who on earth is Molly?  Well, in this post, you can call yourself Molly if you suffer from the bad wife habit of needing to have the last word. The danger is that it can kill your marriage in the long run, and I know because I am a recovering addict when it comes to getting the last word.   I remember as a kid having people tell me I should be a lawyer because I liked to win an argument.  I took that as a compliment in those years.  When I entered the workforce, I rather blindly saw my ability to win an argument and be right as great contributors to my success.  I did see a few instances when getting the last word did long term damage to relationships, but those were all temporary relationships, so I didn't think much of it.  

And then I got married....

My husband and I will candidly tell anyone that our first year of marriage was very hard and, in many ways, down right awful.  We struggled to synch up as a couple and get on the same page in various aspects of life for various reasons.  The result of that was a lot of disagreements over things both serious and trivial.  As a quick thinker and quick talker I became quite adept at getting the last word in most (if not all) of those disagreements.  For a while,  I was foolish enough to think I was winning those arguments and deluded enough to think my husband was going to come to understand that I was right and stop arguing with me so we could enjoy each other more.  The reality was, I was losing big time and pushing him away rather than bringing him around to my way.  Those quick thoughts and quick words were too often selfish, judgmental, and thoughtless.  I thought I was getting in the last word because I was on the "right" side of the argument,  when, in truth, my husband was often restraining from saying another word because he was being more loving and more gracious than I was.  What I didn't understand was the very principle that had been taught in pre-marital classes and counseling:  in marriage you only win when you both win because you are on the same team!

Let me ask you a question, wives.  When you think of a time that you got the last word in an argument, do you remember what your husband was like in the hours that followed?  Was he eager to hold and cuddle you or did your bed suddenly feel wider than the Grand Canyon?  Was he immediately ready to share his thoughts or feelings with you, or was the silence in the room almost tangible?  Was he tripping over himself to do something for you, or did he recede into his own space or task?  You may have to think carefully to remember. It may be hard to recall because you were so busy hi-fiving yourself over your "victory" that you didn't even notice his response. I know I certainly was in that first year, and all the while my husband was staying as far away from me as our apartment would allow.  What I didn't realize was that making my point with the last word too often raised another barrier between us.  Ironically, in this same year I was longing to feel closer to my husband and despairing over feeling loneliness in marriage. I was blind to the fact that I was creating more distance rather than creating a path for us to come closer together.  

In that hard season of marriage I heard God assign me the task of reading every scripture written to or about wives.  In that study a couple of scriptures jumped off the pages of my Bible and shook me by the shoulders as regarded my horrible wife habit. These verses revealed to me then, and continue to remind me now of the danger and failure of getting in the last word. 

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.  Proverbs 21:19

Don't be childish!
To be quarrelsome is defined as being one who is prone to argue in a petty manner.  Getting the last word in is exactly that, petty.  It's childish and hurtful, and according to the Bible your husband would be better off in the desert (hot, thirsty, and alone) than with you.  YIKES! 

...a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.  Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:13b-14

Think of the future!
To be prudent is defined as showing care and thought for the future.  When you are getting the last word, you are only thinking of the moment. You are trying to win that minute, and maybe you will, but you are losing the next hours, days, weeks, months and maybe even years of your marriage.  You got married with the intent of spending your future with this man, so act and speak as one who is working towards that future! 


The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.  Proverbs 14:1

What kind of brick is this? 
In the heat of the moment, however frustrated you may be with your husband, think about the things you are going to say. Your words are bricks.  The good ones build and expand your marriage.  The bad ones are hurled at your man like weapons causing concussions and even death.  Are your words going to build up your husband and prosper your relationship? If you have any reason to think that what you might say may damage his heart, mind, or spirit, know that you are also damaging your marriage and your home, and DON'T SPEAK! 

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  Ephesians 5:22

Picture God!
I know, you see the word submit and you get all weird on me, but focus on the second part of that sentence.  You are to treat your husbands with the same respect and regard that you do the Lord.  Would you say what you are about to say to God if He were standing in front you? Would you try to get that last word in with Jesus Christ?  If the answer is no, then the answer is no to saying it you husband as well.  

I said before that there are lessons you think you've learned when you are single that you realize you have only skimmed the surface of once you are married.  My conviction on this topic took me back to a verse that I had underlined in my early years as a believer (a single believer), and it is one I still must meditate on regularly to be sure that I keep it in mind when I speak to my own husband.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry....  James 1:19

One of the greatest ways to stop yourself from trying to get the last word is to be SLOW TO SPEAK. I'm not typically a big fan of slow, but I'm becoming a convert in this context.  Listening, slowing down before I speak, and slowing down my anger all work together to help us win as a couple, and that is the only way I want to win! 

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How Instagram Made Me "Insta" Jealous

I'm not the jealous type.  I don't sit around wishing I was someone else. I'm very happy being me.  I don't mean that to sound arrogant, I'm just one of those people who is comfortable in her own skin.  So imagine my surprise when I found myself becoming an envious person. And it all started with Instagram.  I would say I'm a typical Instagram user. I follow mostly friends and family, ministry leaders I know and admire (which is my business), businesses and products I'm a fan of (hello NorthPark and Nordstrom), and a few celebrities (I still think I'll be able to bump Chip and Joanna Gaines up to the friend status someday).  For years, I've posted and followed the posts of others and enjoyed sharing what I'm doing as I see what others do. However, this past fall I found myself having a new unwelcome reaction to many posts.  I would see a post of a friend on date night at a fancy restaurant and instead of thinking, "Great for them." My first thought was, "It must be nice to be able to afford to go out every week."  My reaction to another post of a friend on a weekend getaway should have been, "Oh, what a lovely spot for them to get some much needed alone time." However, I was thinking more along the lines of, "I can't believe they are going on another vacation this year!" Day after day over a period of just a couple of weeks, I found myself having more of these bitter, sarcastic responses and then it hit me that I was overcome with envy.  I'd never been like this before, and I couldn't figure out why it was happening to me now, so I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I shot out a "see you when I see you" post and deleted Instagram from my phone.  I wasn't sure if this was a break or a break up (shout out to the Friends' fans who know the difference),  I just knew I had to put the iPhone down and step away from the crazy!

Over the next few days I began to pray for God to reveal to me what was going on in my heart and it took no time at all for Him to respond.  I was spending WAY too much time looking at Instagram and in doing so, I was more focused on what others have than I was focused on what I had in my own life.  My eyes were so trained on the little screen in my hand, that I was blocking my view of the beautiful experiences in my own life and world.  Yes, it is a great way to keep up with friends and family and folks, but for me it was turning into the social media equivalent of a Netflix binge night.  I was spending more cumulative minutes per day checking my phone than I was living my life.  It was no wonder that I felt like everyone around me was having experiences that I was missing out on, because I was missing out of experiencing much of anything while sitting and looking at my phone.  Over the next few weeks, I discovered that without the distraction of constantly checking my Instagram feed, I had more fun with my children, was more engaged with my husband, and more attentive to my friends.  I spent more time reading my Bible, listening to encouraging messages, and engaging with devotionals and books.  I was a better listener, better mother, better prayer, better wife, better student and better friend.  And you know what else, I was back to seeing how awesome my life is.  I'm blessed in so many incredible ways, and when I wasn't just looking at everyone else's blessings all the time, I could actually focus on my own and be grateful for them. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate with others and hear about the good things happening in their lives, but if you focus too much on other people's lives, even with the best of intentions, you will begin to miss the great things happening in your own life.  And let's be real, what people post on social media is a tiny fraction of what is actually happening in their every day world.  Yes, that vacation may look great, but what you may not know is that they are taking that trip as a last ditch effort to save their marriage.  Sure, she's on fabulous looking date with a handsome guy, but what you don't know is that her date ended early because he turned out to be a jerk.  Yes, her kids look just adorable in their fabulous trip to Disney World, but about an hour later those same sweet faces were throwing a tantrum at the exit gate of the Magic Kingdom.

Proverbs 14:30 says, A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. This verse is so incredibly powerful not just because it makes it clear to us that envy will tear us down at our core, but because it also points out that the antidote to envy is to embrace what we have.  A heart at peace is the definition of true contentment.  In my life, the only way I know how to land in a place of contentment is by focusing on all the good of my life.  In these weeks of my "Insta-fast" I was reminded of what an incredibly good, solid marriage I have.  My husband and I enjoy each other's company; we laugh and joke and love each other in a sincere and sweet way.  I pulled out a journal from my single years when I was longing for that very companionship that I now possess and found myself all the more grateful for what I have, right now, with this man that God sent as a blessing to me.  My children, at two and a half and ten months are full of giggles and discoveries.  The sweet kisses and funny phrases, and belly laughs are my "oil of joy instead of mourning" that was promised in Isaiah 61:3, when I was weeping over my first miscarriage this time four years ago. Frankly, I have many things in my life that others could envy.  I don't want them to, because I don't want anyone to experience the joy killer that is envy, but it is good to remember that we all have something that others are praying for, however great or small. 

I'm back on Instagram, but in a very measured manner.  I don't get alerts so I'm not constantly hearing a ding to make me want to look.  I don't post on it daily anymore, and I don't let myself look unless I'm posting something or specifically looking for something. There is no Bible verse that tells us specifically how to use social media, but there are verses that give great principles I can apply to how I'm using it from here on out:

The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.  Proverbs 14:15

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45

These three verses are now directing my social media interactions.  I'm giving careful thought to who I follow and how often I look at any social media so that I can be prudent about how it impacts me.  I'm no longer following any account that doesn't lead to positive thoughts. That meant giving up some products and people that weren't inherently bad, but that I was following more to focus on stuff I want than to just celebrate something. I'm also giving careful thought to what I post.  I want to be sure that my posts reflect the work God is doing in my heart.  They may not all be deep and spiritual, but they can all be encouraging and joyful. I'm examining my motives before I post to be sure I'm not in some imaginary competition to out do anyone.  

This is a very current lesson in my life. I share it because I think there may be others out there who have experienced the "Insta" envy I encountered.  Be encouraged, that you are not alone in your misstep and that God has, as He always does, prepared a way for you to get back on track!