First, to the unmarried readers of my blog, please don't feel you need to skip over this post. I really believe that there is something in this for you too, and if you read this and disagree, take heart, next week's post is just for you!
I remember hearing from a pastor that single Christians have the great opportunity to work through many of their personal issues and areas of weakness only to get married and discover they haven't done nearly as much work as they thought they had. Yes, it's true, marriage is one of God's best tools for molding and shaping us into the image of Christ. In over six years of marriage I can confess that God has done exponentially more work in me in the areas I struggle, than He did in the ten years before when I was a Christian but not yet a wife. Today, I simply want to share with you one lesson that I have learned, and continue to learn, as a wife. It is my great hope that this post will bring both conviction and encouragement. I want to issue this warning as a chance to see clearly an area where you may be missing the mark and an opportunity to make a change, quickly!
To quote Whoopi Goldberg's character in the 1990 hit movie "Ghost",
"Molly, you in danger girl!"
What danger you ask? How do I know? And who on earth is Molly? Well, in this post, you can call yourself Molly if you suffer from the bad wife habit of needing to have the last word. The danger is that it can kill your marriage in the long run, and I know because I am a recovering addict when it comes to getting the last word. I remember as a kid having people tell me I should be a lawyer because I liked to win an argument. I took that as a compliment in those years. When I entered the workforce, I rather blindly saw my ability to win an argument and be right as great contributors to my success. I did see a few instances when getting the last word did long term damage to relationships, but those were all temporary relationships, so I didn't think much of it.
And then I got married....
My husband and I will candidly tell anyone that our first year of marriage was very hard and, in many ways, down right awful. We struggled to synch up as a couple and get on the same page in various aspects of life for various reasons. The result of that was a lot of disagreements over things both serious and trivial. As a quick thinker and quick talker I became quite adept at getting the last word in most (if not all) of those disagreements. For a while, I was foolish enough to think I was winning those arguments and deluded enough to think my husband was going to come to understand that I was right and stop arguing with me so we could enjoy each other more. The reality was, I was losing big time and pushing him away rather than bringing him around to my way. Those quick thoughts and quick words were too often selfish, judgmental, and thoughtless. I thought I was getting in the last word because I was on the "right" side of the argument, when, in truth, my husband was often restraining from saying another word because he was being more loving and more gracious than I was. What I didn't understand was the very principle that had been taught in pre-marital classes and counseling: in marriage you only win when you both win because you are on the same team!
Let me ask you a question, wives. When you think of a time that you got the last word in an argument, do you remember what your husband was like in the hours that followed? Was he eager to hold and cuddle you or did your bed suddenly feel wider than the Grand Canyon? Was he immediately ready to share his thoughts or feelings with you, or was the silence in the room almost tangible? Was he tripping over himself to do something for you, or did he recede into his own space or task? You may have to think carefully to remember. It may be hard to recall because you were so busy hi-fiving yourself over your "victory" that you didn't even notice his response. I know I certainly was in that first year, and all the while my husband was staying as far away from me as our apartment would allow. What I didn't realize was that making my point with the last word too often raised another barrier between us. Ironically, in this same year I was longing to feel closer to my husband and despairing over feeling loneliness in marriage. I was blind to the fact that I was creating more distance rather than creating a path for us to come closer together.
In that hard season of marriage I heard God assign me the task of reading every scripture written to or about wives. In that study a couple of scriptures jumped off the pages of my Bible and shook me by the shoulders as regarded my horrible wife habit. These verses revealed to me then, and continue to remind me now of the danger and failure of getting in the last word.
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. Proverbs 21:19
Don't be childish!
To be quarrelsome is defined as being one who is prone to argue in a petty manner. Getting the last word in is exactly that, petty. It's childish and hurtful, and according to the Bible your husband would be better off in the desert (hot, thirsty, and alone) than with you. YIKES!
...a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof. Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:13b-14
Think of the future!
To be prudent is defined as showing care and thought for the future. When you are getting the last word, you are only thinking of the moment. You are trying to win that minute, and maybe you will, but you are losing the next hours, days, weeks, months and maybe even years of your marriage. You got married with the intent of spending your future with this man, so act and speak as one who is working towards that future!
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1
What kind of brick is this?
In the heat of the moment, however frustrated you may be with your husband, think about the things you are going to say. Your words are bricks. The good ones build and expand your marriage. The bad ones are hurled at your man like weapons causing concussions and even death. Are your words going to build up your husband and prosper your relationship? If you have any reason to think that what you might say may damage his heart, mind, or spirit, know that you are also damaging your marriage and your home, and DON'T SPEAK!
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22
Picture God!
I know, you see the word submit and you get all weird on me, but focus on the second part of that sentence. You are to treat your husbands with the same respect and regard that you do the Lord. Would you say what you are about to say to God if He were standing in front you? Would you try to get that last word in with Jesus Christ? If the answer is no, then the answer is no to saying it you husband as well.
I said before that there are lessons you think you've learned when you are single that you realize you have only skimmed the surface of once you are married. My conviction on this topic took me back to a verse that I had underlined in my early years as a believer (a single believer), and it is one I still must meditate on regularly to be sure that I keep it in mind when I speak to my own husband.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.... James 1:19
One of the greatest ways to stop yourself from trying to get the last word is to be SLOW TO SPEAK. I'm not typically a big fan of slow, but I'm becoming a convert in this context. Listening, slowing down before I speak, and slowing down my anger all work together to help us win as a couple, and that is the only way I want to win!
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Awesome post!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kay!
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