#WifeStuff: Spring Clean Your Marriage

I confess, the spring cleaning bug has grabbed a hold of me.  I've already rearranged my kids dresser drawers and started reorganizing their closets.    Next up: organizing the kid stuff in the garage and then I get to bust out my favorite gadget: the label maker.  Yes, I'm one of those women who likes to organize and arrange.  There is something about spring cleaning that helps me shake off the winter doldrums and embrace fresh life and energy. I'm not sure why I find it so thrilling to fit all of the Melissa & Doug puzzles in the perfect size tub, or why I feel a sense of victory when I create a whole new shelf space by putting away all of the newborn toys and accessories.  I just do.   Now before some of you bail out on me, no I'm not writing this to compel all the wives to get to cleaning.  If it's what you like to do, then head to The Container Store, grab your label maker of choice and get to it.  For those of  you who would rather pull your hair out  strand by strand than do any kind of spring cleaning, hire yourself an organizer (a side hustle I have considered taking up more than once) and let them do the work for you.  However, I do think all of us married ladies could benefit from doing some spring cleaning in our marriages.  Let's be real, gals, we all have some messy "closets" that could use some attention in our marriages, and I think the spring season is a great time to clean out, reorganize and inject some fresh energy in our relationships with our husbands.  Before I break it down, let me just say that I'm writing this wife to wife.  That means this is something for us to do ladies.  Don't get bogged down in what you think your husband needs to do or what he won't do. God wants you to be the best wife you can be as it pleases Him.  We must do things in response to God's love and grace, not in response to what our men may or may not be doing. That having been said, let's get to cleaning.

Clear Out the Junk

You can not begin to do any real cleaning, if you don't first get rid of the junk.  Just this morning I went through my jewelry box and got rid of all the single earrings that have long since lost their mates. I dumped all of the cheap costume jewelry from 5+ years ago that I never wear anymore, and I also trashed some randomness that had come to roost in my jewelry box--where and when  I acquired one polka dot shoe lace I will never know.  There was no point in trying to organize my jewelry, until I made some space by cleaning out the junk I no longer need or use.  How does this apply to your marriage?  NO, I'm not saying throw out your husband or his stuff!   Remember, in this spring cleaning exercise we are focusing on ourselves and what we can do to bring new life to our relationship.  That means throwing out the junk that gets in the way of your relationship.  What grudges are you holding against your husband?  What old hurt do you need to finally release?  I'm not saying he wasn't wrong (because he probably was). I'm not saying you weren't right (you probably were).  What I am saying is, you need to let go of the old stuff.  

I should clarify that anything that happened before today would qualify as old.  Yes, that's right.  God tells us in Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry".   You may not always be able to resolve every argument before you head to bed, but I think the bigger principle in this verse is that anger should not linger.  It is not enough to talk and apologize after an argument with your husband. You have to make sure that you are not holding on to any of the residual anger from that situation.  1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love "keeps no record of wrongs".  Girls, we are really good at remembering every wrong and keeping it filed away for future recollection, but that is a skill we need to lose.  It is the equivalent of having the scary hoarder closet in your house where you have piles of junk you never use, but won't throw away because you "may need it someday".  You're never going to use those bowling shoes that are a size to small, or actually make bread in that bread maker.  That's why those things are in the scary closet.  Keeping track of every error your husband has made serves no purpose unless your goal is to build up shrapnel to drop on him someday like a dirty bomb, and that is the action of a terrorist not a loving spouse.  Throw out that junk ladies. Stop reflecting on the bad and make space in your mind and heart for the good things that your husband has done and will keep doing for you.  Let his right moves linger in your heart and mind so that you will view him in a positive light. 

Find the Forgotten Treasures

It never fails when I start spring cleaning, I come across something that I forgot I have and really love.  Sometimes it's a fabulous pair of shoes that got stuck behind a box on a shelf.  This morning it was a necklace that was tucked away in my jewelry box that I hadn't worn in a couple of years.  I'm wearing it right now, because YAY!  I truly believe that there are some forgotten, hidden treasures in your marriage that got stuck behind some of the junk you needed to clean out.  Once you stop being mad about what he forgot to do for you last month, you might rediscover how great it feels when you catch him looking at you for no reason other than he likes what he sees.  Perhaps you'll rediscover a fun activity you guys have always enjoyed doing together.  Maybe you'll come across something tangible that he gave to you that puts a smile on your face when you reflect on his thoughtfulness in that moment.  You married this man for a reason. Once upon a time you were all excited to put on a cute outfit and wait for him to pick you up for a date.  You walked down an aisle, staircase, sidewalk or sandy beach with eagerness to say I do to this man.  There was something delightful about him that captured your heart.  I bet it is still there.  Oh it may be buried under work or kids or everyday life, but it is there. 

 My husband and I share a love of music and when we were dating we spent a lot of time listening to music and talking about old songs that we both liked.  Recently, we did this again when our little ones were asleep.  We pulled old rap and R&B lyrics out of our memories and laughed over our 90's taste together.  It was a simple and sweet evening of just having fun together.  What is your thing with your husband? What can you do to rediscover that treasure?  Proverbs 5:18 says,  "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth."   This verse is an encouragement to husbands to enjoy and delight in their wives throughout marriage just as they did when the relationship was young.  Ladies, our husbands cannot enjoy us if we are not looking for that same enjoyment.  I was told early in my marriage by my Christian therapist that as the wife, I set the tone 99% of the time, and that has proven to be true in the almost seven years I've been married.  Set a tone of joy and rediscovery with your spouse and see what treasures you'll find! 

Label EVERYTHING!

Spring cleaning is not complete for me until I've pulled out the label maker and left my mark on each space I've organized.  Labels help identify what things are and where they go.  They allow me to maintain the clean that I've just created.  I think we can do the same thing in our marriages as we spring clean.  Identify how you want to act and respond as a wife.  Are you joyful, loving, forgiving, selfless, and submitted?  If you answered yes to all of those, you are a big fat liar! None of us have accomplished all these things, but all of us should be working on having all of these traits.  Identify the kinds of things you want to say to your husband.  How do you want to respond when he misses the mark? Is there a better way to let him know you're hurt or bothered by something?  Label it! Practice it.  Put it in a place in your mind that is easily accessible.  

Just this week my husband said something that hurt my feelings. It was in NO WAY his intention,  it was just one of those things that guys can say to guys and find it funny, but because I'm all full of estrogen and chocolate and feelings, I got all worked up.  However, my mistake was in the moment when I responded by getting angry.  After reflecting on the moment the next morning,  I realized that he had no intention of hurting me and no clue why I was suddenly mad at him.  Later that next day, I apologized for my response and told him that I'm going to work on saying the very simple phrase, "Babe, that hurt my feelings." Anger is the easier response, but more harmful.  Saying I'm hurt requires me to show vulnerability and is tougher for me, but more honest and easier for him to respond to in a way that will bring us to resolution sooner.   I had to identify the better response and put it in the forefront of my mind for future use.  I labeled it, so that things will go smoother in the future.  

Sisters, I can tell you that I do not have it all together as a wife. I'm a work in progress, working on getting better every single day.  I mess up and start over all the time, but I live with the goal of having a godly marriage to the magnificent man God blessed me to call my own.  That means I have to care for my marriage in the same way I would care for any other precious thing in my life.  Spring cleaning my marriage is not about going through the motions, but about working towards a result that will bring us more joy and God more glory!  I pray that you will join me this spring in giving your marriage the love, care, and attention that only YOU can bring to it! 

The Good Stuff of Life: Lessons From a Two-Year-Old

Let's face it, being an adult is often not very fun.  You've got jobs, bills, politics, disasters, relationship drama, family drama, work drama, and all the other drama floating through your brain at all times. It is easy to forget about the good stuff of life and forget find ways to celebrate and enjoy yourself each day.  I'm as guilty of it as the next person, but I've recently realized that my two-year-old daughter, Faith,  is a master at enjoying the good stuff life has to offer. She's too young to be burdened with all the junk so she simply moves from one good moment to the other. Fortunately, I spend my days with her so I'm getting a crash course in learning  how to love life from moment to moment.  This week, I wanted to share some of her best lessons with you!

1. Everything is more fun with the people you love.
One of my daughter's favorite things to say to my husband and me is, "C'mon, you guys!"  Whether she's about to play with blocks, listen to her favorite jams, or look out the window, she knows she's going to enjoy it much more if we come along with her.  She has instigated many a family dance party or art project with those three simple words, and I have to confess she's right.  Whatever my mood was before, when I'm standing in the room with the people on earth I love the most doing just about anything, I find my mood getting better, a smile takes over my frown, and I lose track of time! This is true with my husband and kids.  It's equally true with my best friends.  Whoever "your people" are just find a way to spend time with them.  If you don't have a spouse, be sure you have some great friends.  If your family of origin is awful, find friends that will be your chosen family.  If you and your spouse are longing for little ones and it is not yet happening, get back to having fun as a couple.  God intentionally designed us to want to be in relationships with other people, so it is vital that we foster those relationships in our lives by spending time together.  Go bowling.  Go for a walk. Go play laser tag. Go talk over coffee.  Just go and do something with people who have your back! 

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.... A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9,12

2. There IS a time to dance!
No, that's not just a quote from Footloose, it's actually from Ecclesiastes too! We do a lot of dancing as a group in our home.  My daughter may instigate it now, but she came by it honestly, because I've been having dance breaks with my best friend since my single days (Regina, you know what I'm talking about).  It is nearly impossible to stay ticked off, sad, or lonely when you're dancing.  Put on the song that compels your body to shimmy and shake and get your dance on.  Now, I know some of you are saying, "Janay.  I. Don't. Dance."  Fine, close the blinds, pull the curtains, turn off the lights, and in a room all by yourself, turn up your favorite jam and SHAKE IT!!  No one has to know. No one has to see.  Whether your jam is by Nirvana, Gretchen Wilson, Prince, Tupac, Nsync, Earth Wind and Fire, Paramore or Mary Mary (I'm not ashamed to admit, I've been known to dance to all of these.) Whatever the genre, however good or bad your moves, in a group or Billy Idol style ("Dancing With Myself") a daily dance break will help you shake off the worst of your day and clear your mind of some of the junk!

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens,...a time to mourn and a time to dance...."  Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

3. Ask someone their name; you might just make their day.  
If there is one question I know I'm going to hear from Faith everyday, that question is, "Mommy, can I ask her her name?"  She has asked me this question at the Gap, the dry cleaners, the playground, the drive-thru, and pretty much anywhere else we have taken her.  If there is a new face in front of her, she wants to know his or her name. I have to confess, the first time she wanted to know the drive-thru person's name, I blew her off with some lame answer.  For some reason I can not explain, I was not comfortable asking the lady sticking her head out of the window at Taco Bueno what her name was.  I had no problem asking her for extra jalapeños, but asking her name seemed weird.  It has now been a few months, and not only do I ask, I roll down the back window and let Faith ask directly.  Yes, most people react at first with surprise, but you know what comes next every single time?  A smile!  Typically, the people we are asking are cashiers or store clerks or working in some capacity and are accustomed to people expecting them to offer a service without being acknowledged as a person.  It took my two year-old's genuine interest in people  to make me see how easily we look right through others, and how good we can make them feel by looking right at them, acknowledging them as a person, and being interested enough to ask something as simple as their name. Think of how much it means to us to know that our heavenly Father calls us by name.  Surely, we can offer a fraction of His love by calling those we encounter each day by their name. 

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."  Isaiah 43:1b

4. Have a little Faith.  
Yes, for me this sentence has double meaning. Having my own little Faith in my life brings me immeasurable joy.  If you have a child you know what I'm talking about. If you have lost a child and/or are still longing for a child, I pray for your broken heart and pray that you can know this joy personally whether you give birth, find a surrogate, adopt or whatever!  But this last point is not actually about my child, it is about the other meaning of this phrase.  It's about believing in the things you can't see.  No one can believe in the intangible better than a little kid.  My daughter is absolutely sure that her father is going to come home at the end of each day, swoop her up into his arms, tell her he loves her, and just delight in her company.  She doesn't doubt it.  At some point each day, she will tell me something that "my Papa" is going to do, say, fix, or solve.  He is her protector, her hero, her fixer, and her source of all knowledge and wisdom. If she asks me a question that I can't answer, she replies, "I'll ask Papa, he knows."   Her absolute faith in her father is a daily reminder to me that I too have a Father that I can have absolute faith in.  My heavenly Father is my protector, my hero, my fixer, and my source of all knowledge and wisdom.  There is no problem He can't solve, no hurt He can't heal, no question He can't answer.  He loves me perfectly and completely. He delights in me.  The same is true for you.  As you walk through your day, put yourself back in the position of being a child with a Father who is waiting for you to run into His arms  at the end of the day, so He can tell you that He loves you and remind you that you are His and He is yours.  With a child-like faith, you truly can get back to enjoying the good stuff that life has to bring!

He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.  Psalm 18:19

Don't Get It Twisted!

This past weekend, I sat on my couch watching the news coverage of the presidential candidates, eager to hear any of them say something that would get me excited enough to slap their bumper sticker on my car and confidently fill in the circle on my ballot next to their name on Tuesday.  I was hoping for a speech reminiscent of my favorite fictional president, Josiah Bartlett, from "The West Wing".  Granted, he was not real, and his words were the carefully crafted creation of Emmy & Oscar winning writer Aaron Sorkin, but still a girl can dream. However, my dream was quickly crushed, because instead of hearing inspiring speeches or even some boring ones, what I heard was a lot of name calling, mocking, and insult trading that sounded more like an episode of "The Simpsons".  I was disappointed and disgusted,and while I did still vote in the primary, I was incredibly put off by everything I heard.  I mean do I really want anyone of these people that can speak so thoughtlessly, rudely and immaturely to represent my nation to the world?  I even tweeted my feelings (I intentionally avoid commenting on politics on social media as a rule). 

As only He can, God only allowed me to linger over my disgust and distaste for this "bad behavior" of the candidates for a short moment, before He held up the giant, Holy Spirit, magnifying mirror in front of my face. You know the mirror, I'm talking about.  The one that makes the smallest blemish  look like a crater, but instead of a pimple on your face, it's an ugly spot in your character.  Suddenly, the question floating in my mind was, "What thoughtless, rude, immature thing have I said that has completely undermined my ability to represent Christ?"  OUCH!   It didn't take me long to come up with one or two (or three or four).  Sure, I'm not saying them on the evening news on national television, but I have said them in front of my children.  My husband has heard me speak things that don't exactly make me a great representative of the Savior.  I've gotten riled up on the phone with AT&T, Time Warner, Sprint, TXU,  or some other company that put me on hold one too many times without solving my problem.  I've let my frustration come out at the customer service desk at Dillard's, Target, Nordstrom (okay, not Nordstrom, but only because it is a magical place with incredible customer service where I'm always happy- that was a completely free, non-celebrity endorsement).  I may not have dropped F-bombs or screamed at the top of my lungs or called anyone a name, but I've certainly let my tongue take over and spoken words that were in no way loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, or exhibiting any measure of self-control ("What's that, Fruits of the Spirit, You can't grow on a tree with a twisted tongue? My bad!").  

This was certainly not a new discovery, but more of a reminder that God gives me on a regular, and I do mean regular, basis, because it is an area of weakness, an area in which I have always and likely will always struggle. I have to stay on my guard when it comes to my tongue or it will bring me down.  I venture to say this is not just true for me but for all of us when I read what the Bible has to say on the subject. 

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly

 will come to ruin.  Proverbs 13:3

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.  It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.   James 3:6

James goes on to warn us that when we allow our mouths to speak ill of others, all of whom are God's creation, made in His image, we negate any praise that we have spoken of that same God.  In other words, you might as well be speaking to God or about God when you are rude to or condemning of any person. Our tongues can be great instruments of praise and encouragement and joy, but they can also be horrific deliverers of pain and suffering when we allow them free reign.   If my children hear me say rude or ugly things about someone, I lose credibility when I try to teach them to speak kindly and respectfully to others.  When I lash out verbally at my husband in the heat of the moment,  it diminishes the impact when I later try to tell him that I love him and admire him.  When I'm irritable and pushy at the grocery store, it undermines my attempt to  invite that same cashier to church a few weeks later.  I can not allow my tongue to take over and start fires all around me. I can not allow my emotions to unleash my tongue and let it run untamed and out of control.  I can not allow my mind to rationalize and convince me to let my guard down and give my tongue free reign for any reason whatsoever.  

What you and I think of the candidates' words doesn't really matter.  What matters is what God thinks of how each of us behaves.  How is your tongue?  Do you have it on a short leash, guarding your lips and being careful of what you allow to slip out?  Have you recently let loose your own tirade (short or long) of unkindness, no matter how justified you felt in the moment?  Have you lost your credibility as a witness for Christ in your attempt to win a verbal dispute?  My prayer this week for you and for myself is that we all do a better job of guarding our tongue for the most important reason of all, for the glory of God.  I pray that we can all be witnesses for Him not just in what we do say, but in what we choose not to say.  I pray we can all keep our tongues under control, and that we don't get it twisted! 

#SingleGalSecrets: Slow Your Roll

Although I am a happily married woman, I have spent more of my adult life single than married and I have several friends still waiting for their man to get his act together and come find them, therefore, I'm always thinking about you single gals out there and ways that I can share some of the wisdom I gleaned in my single years and hopefully encourage you.  I'm calling these things Single Gal Secrets. They are not secrets in that they are hidden or particularly mysterious, but I think of them as the secrets to surviving and thriving in the single years.  I don't want you ladies to just be surviving being single; it's not enough to not die. I want to see you thrive and experience great joy and satisfaction right now in your life. 

So this secret must start with a confession.  In my single years, I once got angry with God.  Okay, maybe not so much once, more like intermittently.  I would have months and months go by when I felt in harmony with God and content with His will for my life, but invariably a time would come when I would look around at my life and find myself dissatisfied with my job, my financial situation, my city, or the lack of a man in my life. You're right, it was most often the lack of a man in my life.  I particularly remember when I was twenty-nine years old, I went to three weddings three weekends in a row. Yes, I was happy for my close friend, my not so close friend, and my younger cousin (that's right, I said younger).  Yes, it was great to celebrate others and know that love was still alive.  Yes, the cake was good. However, the thing that I was most aware of was the fact that it was not happening for me.  I had grown impatient with God and felt that He'd skipped me in the "waiting for a husband" line.  The more I prayed, journaled and talked out loud in my empty apartment about it, the angrier I got, until I was downright ticked!  I felt justified in my anger because at the time I was in seminary studying for the ministry.  I had quit my career, taken a huge pay cut, moved to a new city, and gone back to student life all in obedience to God's call, and He couldn't throw a husband my way?  Seriously?  

The funny thing about anger, especially getting angry with God, is that too often we are reacting to something without knowing the whole story.  How often have you become angry with a friend, family member or co-worker and later realized that the thing that made you angry was only part of the story, the rest of which completely defused your anger leaving you to feel foolish for having thrown a tantrum.  The Bible describes it perfectly.  Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29)  That November when I was so angry, I was assuming that the time was right for me to have a husband and that the man God had destined for me was ready to be a husband.  I was assuming that my life would be better with a husband. I was acting as if God had broken a promise to me or owed me an explanation.  I forgot the most important thing: He is God and I am not.  He knows the whole story of my life and I only know bits and pieces.  He has a perfect will, but He only reveals it to us in His timing.  I forgot that although marriage is God's creation and a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church, it is not actually promised to us all.  I forgot that I had prayed to not meet anyone while I was in seminary so I could focus on my studies and be fully devoted to preparing to enter the ministry (idiot = me).   Mostly, I forgot that I am not in any way, shape or form in control of my life, and I'm better off for it!  I wanted God to be in control, but I also wanted to direct how He controlled things.  Foolishness. There is nothing more dangerous than believing that your plan is better than God's plan. 

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12 

I get it. You're tired of waiting. You're frustrated.  You're lonely. You're unhappy.  You're (whispered) getting older.  I really do understand that you may be feeling the burden of  one or all of these things. I'm not going to tell you that I have some three-step plan for you to take that will result in a husband showing up on your doorstep. In fact, in this particular season in my life, when my anger had me resenting God's plan and tempted me to try to take the reins back from Him and run my own life, I was saved, not by the arrival of my husband (he didn't come on the scene for another 5 years), but by wise counsel and truth from God's word.  If you are being quick tempered with God because of what is missing from your life, focus instead on these things that you already have! 

  

God has given you forgiveness.

Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter,... Mark 3:28

You have been forgiven for all of your sins.  From the worst thing you've done to the gossip you shared last week and even the anger you've been feeling towards God, it has all been forgiven; you don't have to feel bad about any of it.  We are required only to confess our sin in prayer and turn back to God to know that we have been forgiven. Forgiveness is an incredible thing to cherish, because without it, we have no hope for the future.  That you have been forgiven by Christ means you are in relationship with God and have His love, protection, grace and mercy.  You have Creator of the universe looking out for you.  

God has given you the power of the Holy Spirit.  

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you;... Acts 1:8

The Holy Spirit will give you the power, the will, the comfort, the discernment and everything else you need to navigate this life, even this single life!  In the times when you are lonely, He will comfort you. In the times when you are trying to make things happen your own way, He will convict you and redirect you towards God.  In the times when you are trying to determine what your next step should be, He will give you the discernment to know which way to go.  You have 24/7 access to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  Rather than feeling powerless in your singleness, know that you are empowered by your faithfulness! 

God has promised you an abundant life.  

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 

Abundance does not start with a man or marriage, it does not start with a new job or your next raise.  You can and should be living an abundant life right now, in this season. Stop focusing on what you don't have and start focusing on what you do have.  Every believer has some aspect of this abundant life.  Maybe it is an incredibly loving family of origin.  Perhaps you have the best friends on the planet. Maybe you are planning a trip to your dream destination.  Perhaps you just found the perfect pair of shoes on sale! Whatever you have in your life that you can celebrate, do just that. Celebrate it.  Enjoy it. Relish it.  Recognize that this is the abundance in your life right now. 

Angry seasons are going to come, but you don't have to get sucked into them.  When your quick temper starts to get the best of you, slow your roll, focus on what you have, and relinquish control to the only one that knows what is truly best for you.  God has your best interest at heart and a perfect plan for your life.  Perfect, by His definition, not yours. And where else should our perfect plan come from than from the Perfect one? 

** Single gals, I'd love to hear from you! What secrets would you like me to share.  Please let me know in the comments section!  

#WifeStuff: A Word on Getting the Last Word

First, to the unmarried readers of my blog, please don't feel you need to skip over this post.  I really believe that there is something in this for you too, and if you read this and disagree, take heart, next week's post is just for you!

I remember hearing from a pastor that single Christians have the great opportunity to work through many of their personal issues and areas of weakness only to get married and discover they haven't done nearly as much work as they thought they had.  Yes, it's true, marriage is one of God's best tools for molding and shaping us into the image of Christ.  In over six years of marriage I can confess that God has done exponentially more work in me in the areas I struggle, than He did in the ten years before when I was a Christian but not yet a wife.  Today, I simply want to share with you one lesson that I have learned, and continue to learn, as a wife.  It is my great hope that this post will bring both conviction and encouragement.  I want to issue this warning as a chance to see clearly an area where you may be missing the mark and an opportunity to make a change, quickly! 

To quote Whoopi Goldberg's character in the 1990 hit movie "Ghost", 

"Molly, you in danger girl!" 

What danger you ask?  How do I know? And who on earth is Molly?  Well, in this post, you can call yourself Molly if you suffer from the bad wife habit of needing to have the last word. The danger is that it can kill your marriage in the long run, and I know because I am a recovering addict when it comes to getting the last word.   I remember as a kid having people tell me I should be a lawyer because I liked to win an argument.  I took that as a compliment in those years.  When I entered the workforce, I rather blindly saw my ability to win an argument and be right as great contributors to my success.  I did see a few instances when getting the last word did long term damage to relationships, but those were all temporary relationships, so I didn't think much of it.  

And then I got married....

My husband and I will candidly tell anyone that our first year of marriage was very hard and, in many ways, down right awful.  We struggled to synch up as a couple and get on the same page in various aspects of life for various reasons.  The result of that was a lot of disagreements over things both serious and trivial.  As a quick thinker and quick talker I became quite adept at getting the last word in most (if not all) of those disagreements.  For a while,  I was foolish enough to think I was winning those arguments and deluded enough to think my husband was going to come to understand that I was right and stop arguing with me so we could enjoy each other more.  The reality was, I was losing big time and pushing him away rather than bringing him around to my way.  Those quick thoughts and quick words were too often selfish, judgmental, and thoughtless.  I thought I was getting in the last word because I was on the "right" side of the argument,  when, in truth, my husband was often restraining from saying another word because he was being more loving and more gracious than I was.  What I didn't understand was the very principle that had been taught in pre-marital classes and counseling:  in marriage you only win when you both win because you are on the same team!

Let me ask you a question, wives.  When you think of a time that you got the last word in an argument, do you remember what your husband was like in the hours that followed?  Was he eager to hold and cuddle you or did your bed suddenly feel wider than the Grand Canyon?  Was he immediately ready to share his thoughts or feelings with you, or was the silence in the room almost tangible?  Was he tripping over himself to do something for you, or did he recede into his own space or task?  You may have to think carefully to remember. It may be hard to recall because you were so busy hi-fiving yourself over your "victory" that you didn't even notice his response. I know I certainly was in that first year, and all the while my husband was staying as far away from me as our apartment would allow.  What I didn't realize was that making my point with the last word too often raised another barrier between us.  Ironically, in this same year I was longing to feel closer to my husband and despairing over feeling loneliness in marriage. I was blind to the fact that I was creating more distance rather than creating a path for us to come closer together.  

In that hard season of marriage I heard God assign me the task of reading every scripture written to or about wives.  In that study a couple of scriptures jumped off the pages of my Bible and shook me by the shoulders as regarded my horrible wife habit. These verses revealed to me then, and continue to remind me now of the danger and failure of getting in the last word. 

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.  Proverbs 21:19

Don't be childish!
To be quarrelsome is defined as being one who is prone to argue in a petty manner.  Getting the last word in is exactly that, petty.  It's childish and hurtful, and according to the Bible your husband would be better off in the desert (hot, thirsty, and alone) than with you.  YIKES! 

...a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.  Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:13b-14

Think of the future!
To be prudent is defined as showing care and thought for the future.  When you are getting the last word, you are only thinking of the moment. You are trying to win that minute, and maybe you will, but you are losing the next hours, days, weeks, months and maybe even years of your marriage.  You got married with the intent of spending your future with this man, so act and speak as one who is working towards that future! 


The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.  Proverbs 14:1

What kind of brick is this? 
In the heat of the moment, however frustrated you may be with your husband, think about the things you are going to say. Your words are bricks.  The good ones build and expand your marriage.  The bad ones are hurled at your man like weapons causing concussions and even death.  Are your words going to build up your husband and prosper your relationship? If you have any reason to think that what you might say may damage his heart, mind, or spirit, know that you are also damaging your marriage and your home, and DON'T SPEAK! 

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  Ephesians 5:22

Picture God!
I know, you see the word submit and you get all weird on me, but focus on the second part of that sentence.  You are to treat your husbands with the same respect and regard that you do the Lord.  Would you say what you are about to say to God if He were standing in front you? Would you try to get that last word in with Jesus Christ?  If the answer is no, then the answer is no to saying it you husband as well.  

I said before that there are lessons you think you've learned when you are single that you realize you have only skimmed the surface of once you are married.  My conviction on this topic took me back to a verse that I had underlined in my early years as a believer (a single believer), and it is one I still must meditate on regularly to be sure that I keep it in mind when I speak to my own husband.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry....  James 1:19

One of the greatest ways to stop yourself from trying to get the last word is to be SLOW TO SPEAK. I'm not typically a big fan of slow, but I'm becoming a convert in this context.  Listening, slowing down before I speak, and slowing down my anger all work together to help us win as a couple, and that is the only way I want to win! 

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How Instagram Made Me "Insta" Jealous

I'm not the jealous type.  I don't sit around wishing I was someone else. I'm very happy being me.  I don't mean that to sound arrogant, I'm just one of those people who is comfortable in her own skin.  So imagine my surprise when I found myself becoming an envious person. And it all started with Instagram.  I would say I'm a typical Instagram user. I follow mostly friends and family, ministry leaders I know and admire (which is my business), businesses and products I'm a fan of (hello NorthPark and Nordstrom), and a few celebrities (I still think I'll be able to bump Chip and Joanna Gaines up to the friend status someday).  For years, I've posted and followed the posts of others and enjoyed sharing what I'm doing as I see what others do. However, this past fall I found myself having a new unwelcome reaction to many posts.  I would see a post of a friend on date night at a fancy restaurant and instead of thinking, "Great for them." My first thought was, "It must be nice to be able to afford to go out every week."  My reaction to another post of a friend on a weekend getaway should have been, "Oh, what a lovely spot for them to get some much needed alone time." However, I was thinking more along the lines of, "I can't believe they are going on another vacation this year!" Day after day over a period of just a couple of weeks, I found myself having more of these bitter, sarcastic responses and then it hit me that I was overcome with envy.  I'd never been like this before, and I couldn't figure out why it was happening to me now, so I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I shot out a "see you when I see you" post and deleted Instagram from my phone.  I wasn't sure if this was a break or a break up (shout out to the Friends' fans who know the difference),  I just knew I had to put the iPhone down and step away from the crazy!

Over the next few days I began to pray for God to reveal to me what was going on in my heart and it took no time at all for Him to respond.  I was spending WAY too much time looking at Instagram and in doing so, I was more focused on what others have than I was focused on what I had in my own life.  My eyes were so trained on the little screen in my hand, that I was blocking my view of the beautiful experiences in my own life and world.  Yes, it is a great way to keep up with friends and family and folks, but for me it was turning into the social media equivalent of a Netflix binge night.  I was spending more cumulative minutes per day checking my phone than I was living my life.  It was no wonder that I felt like everyone around me was having experiences that I was missing out on, because I was missing out of experiencing much of anything while sitting and looking at my phone.  Over the next few weeks, I discovered that without the distraction of constantly checking my Instagram feed, I had more fun with my children, was more engaged with my husband, and more attentive to my friends.  I spent more time reading my Bible, listening to encouraging messages, and engaging with devotionals and books.  I was a better listener, better mother, better prayer, better wife, better student and better friend.  And you know what else, I was back to seeing how awesome my life is.  I'm blessed in so many incredible ways, and when I wasn't just looking at everyone else's blessings all the time, I could actually focus on my own and be grateful for them. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate with others and hear about the good things happening in their lives, but if you focus too much on other people's lives, even with the best of intentions, you will begin to miss the great things happening in your own life.  And let's be real, what people post on social media is a tiny fraction of what is actually happening in their every day world.  Yes, that vacation may look great, but what you may not know is that they are taking that trip as a last ditch effort to save their marriage.  Sure, she's on fabulous looking date with a handsome guy, but what you don't know is that her date ended early because he turned out to be a jerk.  Yes, her kids look just adorable in their fabulous trip to Disney World, but about an hour later those same sweet faces were throwing a tantrum at the exit gate of the Magic Kingdom.

Proverbs 14:30 says, A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. This verse is so incredibly powerful not just because it makes it clear to us that envy will tear us down at our core, but because it also points out that the antidote to envy is to embrace what we have.  A heart at peace is the definition of true contentment.  In my life, the only way I know how to land in a place of contentment is by focusing on all the good of my life.  In these weeks of my "Insta-fast" I was reminded of what an incredibly good, solid marriage I have.  My husband and I enjoy each other's company; we laugh and joke and love each other in a sincere and sweet way.  I pulled out a journal from my single years when I was longing for that very companionship that I now possess and found myself all the more grateful for what I have, right now, with this man that God sent as a blessing to me.  My children, at two and a half and ten months are full of giggles and discoveries.  The sweet kisses and funny phrases, and belly laughs are my "oil of joy instead of mourning" that was promised in Isaiah 61:3, when I was weeping over my first miscarriage this time four years ago. Frankly, I have many things in my life that others could envy.  I don't want them to, because I don't want anyone to experience the joy killer that is envy, but it is good to remember that we all have something that others are praying for, however great or small. 

I'm back on Instagram, but in a very measured manner.  I don't get alerts so I'm not constantly hearing a ding to make me want to look.  I don't post on it daily anymore, and I don't let myself look unless I'm posting something or specifically looking for something. There is no Bible verse that tells us specifically how to use social media, but there are verses that give great principles I can apply to how I'm using it from here on out:

The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.  Proverbs 14:15

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45

These three verses are now directing my social media interactions.  I'm giving careful thought to who I follow and how often I look at any social media so that I can be prudent about how it impacts me.  I'm no longer following any account that doesn't lead to positive thoughts. That meant giving up some products and people that weren't inherently bad, but that I was following more to focus on stuff I want than to just celebrate something. I'm also giving careful thought to what I post.  I want to be sure that my posts reflect the work God is doing in my heart.  They may not all be deep and spiritual, but they can all be encouraging and joyful. I'm examining my motives before I post to be sure I'm not in some imaginary competition to out do anyone.  

This is a very current lesson in my life. I share it because I think there may be others out there who have experienced the "Insta" envy I encountered.  Be encouraged, that you are not alone in your misstep and that God has, as He always does, prepared a way for you to get back on track! 

Stop Sleeping With the Enemy!

I have discovered an uninvited guest in my bed in times past. No, I'm not talking about kids, pets, or the dreaded bed bugs.  I'm talking about someone who likes to sneak in just as things quiet down and the lights go out, so he can whisper lies in my ear and undermine my confidence and faith at every turn.  I'm talking about the enemy, the evil one, Satan.

I don't know about you, but I find the most dangerous time in my head is right before I drift off to sleep at night.  As I recap my day or plan my tomorrow, crazy thoughts pop into my head:

"I can't believe you didn't get that done. You're not very good at your job."  

"You forgot to call her? What a lousy friend you are."

"You didn't mail that card? Not much of a daughter are you."

"You're not really ready for that tomorrow.  You're going to fail miserably!"

This voice of doom in my head and yours is the enemy working hard to throw us off our game, to make us believe we are unworthy, ungrateful, unattractive, unimportant, and any other "un" you can list.  In that moment I find myself vulnerable, because I typically don't have anyone awake to talk to for reassurance that those thoughts are false.  I can easily let those words wound me and weaken me. I can stay awake for hours, literally, getting sucked into a whirlpool of doubt and self loathing as I lay in the darkness.  If you have had or are currently having this experience, I want to encourage you to arm yourself before you go to bed at night.  When I was single, I would occasionally get spooked by a news story about a burglar or rapist on the loose and would sleep with a butcher knife under my pillow and my old field hockey stick under the bed.  I don't do that any more, but I am now putting spiritual weaponry by my bed each night.

First, arm yourself with the truth.   The devil is a liar and his aim is to single you out, isolate you, hit you at your weak points, and tell you lies to make you lose faith in yourself and God. How do I know this?

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have live and have it to the full."  John 10:10

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar the father of lies." John 8:44

Put these verses next to your bed  and the one below, so if you find the enemy whispering in your ear you can read them and remind him that you are hip to his game and shut him down.  Then read this one out loud and remind him and yourself about what God has done for you and of His power over all things.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.  That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ form the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavily realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."  Ephesians 1:18-21

That's right, you have a power that is greater than anything on this earth on your side.  That power is working for you and is working through you.  There is nothing you can't accomplish if it is a part of God's will and purpose for your life.  Just because it didn't happen today, doesn't mean it won't happen.  In fact, if it is God's will you can be sure it WILL happen.  Pardon my poor grammar, but Satan ain't got nothing compared to our God!

Then, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!  So you didn't get something done.  Unless you are doing open heart surgery, it probably can wait until tomorrow. (If you are doing open heart surgery, I would urge you to finish that before you call it a night. Or at least have another surgeon tag in.)  Ask yourself a few questions:

• Did you have realistic expectations of yourself for that day? 
• Was your to-do list too long or too complex? 
• Did something unexpected come up and throw off your day?
• What can you reasonably plan to accomplish tomorrow? 
• What might pop up that could throw off your day, and how can you be ready for it?

Too often, I was beating myself up over things that were either out of my control or because I'd set impossible goals for myself that day.  I have to remember I'm human and can't always control my day to day environment.  That is true for you to, sorry to have to tell you. 

Finally, remember that you are not defined by one day's accomplishments or lack thereof.  Your worst day is not a complete picture of who you are.  It does not define you as an employee, spouse, student, parent, or person.  If we were all defined by one day of our lives, we would all be in trouble.  What matters more is the long-term.  If yesterday was tough,  pray that God will help you have a better day tomorrow, that He will maximize your minutes and give you an extra boost of energy.  Pray that prayer and then truly let it go.   Close your eyes and think about something else: a fun memory from time past,  your favorite movie or show, a funny story you heard, pretty much anything that is pleasant and lighthearted.  

I offer this advice, because I have been there.  I have allowed the enemy to steal too many hours of my sleep in my lifetime, and I'm determined that he will not get another minute of my sleep. If I sense the doubts creeping up in the future, I will follow my own plan to squash them and get to sleep as quickly as I can, so that I can be ready to face a better tomorrow.  The only person welcome in my bed is my husband. And with that, I shall say GOOD NIGHT!

ALL IN!

Okay, first of all, I know.  I know that the Clemson Tigers did not win the National Championship. I know because I sat next to my Clemson alum husband and watched every second of that game with him.  We cheered.  We screamed.  We held our breath.  And we counted down the seconds (especially the ones that should not have been ticking down because they were still moving the chains, but whatever).  So yes, I know that we lost, in the end, to Alabama.  For those of you who have NO idea what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the college football national championship game that was on Monday night.  If you aren't into football, don't worry, this is not a post about the game or the sport. It's a post about attitude. 

You see, ever since Monday night, my 2 year old daughter has insisted on wearing something with the Clemson Tiger logo on it each day.  Now, typically you wear your shirt the day after the game when you have won, but we lost.  She doesn't get it, and she doesn't care.  What she knows is that we are for the Clemson Tigers.  We were for them all fall. We were for them on Sunday.  We were for them when she went to bed on Monday night (and they were winning). Therefore, we are still for the Clemson Tigers.  And she is right.  We are still for them.  The rally cry of the Tigers is ALL IN.  Twitter even added the tiger paw image to the hashtag.  It comes from the coach telling his team when he first got the head coach position that he was ALL IN and expected them to be as well.  My daughter, at two years old, is the epitome of ALL IN.  When the news was showing the game recap, she wasn't looking sad like the rest of us, she was cheering, "Go Tigers!" because she is ALL IN.  She proudly wore her cheerleader dress over a long sleeve shirt and leggings all day yesterday because she is ALL IN.   The loss of one game, the close of the football season, and the end of a winning streak have changed nothing for her. She's ALL IN.  

And that's when it hit me. Her passion for the Tigers is exactly the passion I want to have for Christ in every season of my life. I want to be ALL IN for Jesus in every aspect of my life, every day of my life, through every situation in my life.  I want to have the same ALL IN attitude for the Gospel and my Savior, that my daughter is displaying. I don't want to be deterred by minor defeats; I don't want to be held back by trials, or stumble over obstacles.  Regardless of what I face, who I encounter, or how I may be feeling, I want to be ALL IN for Christ, because He is ALL IN for me.  I want the words I speak, the actions I take, the choices I make, the relationships I build, and every other aspect of my life to reflect my devotion to Christ and my love for Him.  I want to "put on" my Jesus t-shirt every day, no matter what happened the day before.  It is easy to wear the gear and cheer for your team when you feel like you are winning, when all is going well in life, but I want to be the full on fan when things look bleak, when times are hard, when loss has occurred.  

At the beginning of this new year, I want to encourage you to be ALL IN as well. If you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, then you know what He has saved you from. You know what He has sacrificed for you, and you know how very much you don't deserve His love. Like me, you are grateful beyond words for His grace, and very much aware of the gift you have received.  So, let's do this together. Let's be ALL IN for the Savior. Let's follow in the example of my two year old  and wear our faith for all to see every single day.  I'm ALL IN.  Are you?

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."  Colossians 2:6-7

It's What Moms Do

As this Mother's Day drew near, I began to reflect on the wisdom I have gathered from the women in my life who are mothers, and I realized much of the wisdom I've gleaned from then has been observed, not spoken. We've all heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words."  The blessing of having so many fantastic moms in my life has been the opportunity to simply "listen" to their actions and take mental notes of the lessons they are teaching through living.  On this Mother's Day, I want to acknowledge them as I share what I have learned with you:

From my Mom I learned...that being a good mom means modeling Christ especially behind closed doors where only your kids might see you. 

From my Grandmother I learned...to express love to my children as often as I can and be their biggest cheerleader. 

From my Godmother, Emma I learned...to be sure my children know they have a place of safety with me. 

From my Mother-in-Love, Constance I learned...mothers make sacrifices for their kids without hesitation or regret. 

From Regina J. I learned...however exhausting it may be, consistency with my kids pays off in the long run and is a big part of loving them.  

From Kim B. I learned...you can love however many children God blesses you to have uniquely and fully! 

From Tania Q. I learned...to enjoy all the moments with my living children while remembering  my children in heaven.

From Lulie T. I learned...no past sin can negate my God-given ability to be a loving mother.

From Leslie A. I learned...to be the best mom I can be, I must be the best me I can be.

From Yanci Y. I learned...not to be afraid to let my kids get dirty, play hard, or fall down. 

From Lisa Y. I learned...to teach my kids to love God's house. 

From Patricia L. I learned...to teach my kids to celebrate their heritage while preparing them for a future of possibilities. 

From Julie R. I learned...to take parenting seriously but not take myself too seriously. 

From Ronique W. I learned...to cherish every second with kids, the good and the difficult. 

From Christie B. I learned...to give my kids every opportunity I can to discover their own creativity. 

From Marianne C. I learned...a listening ear and sincere hug are priceless. 

From Carissa B. I learned...if I use the gifts and talents God has blessed me with as I parent, my children will discover and use their own gifts and talents. 

From Liz S. I learned...if I enjoy my children at every age and stage, they will enjoy me in return. 

From Tianne M. I learned...to make the most of every moment you may have with your kids. God multiplies the impact of mama minutes. 

From Sarah H. I learned...your kids are capable of a lot more than most will give them credit for, so challenge them! 

From Bonnie L. I learned...to instill discipline AND fun in your daily lives! 

From Andrea T. I learned...staying calm and embracing the joy of motherhood makes it all easier! 

From Cindy T. I learned...you can raise your kids to be strong and independent, and still hold them in your heart as your babies.  

I get to come into contact with lots of mamas and observe their interactions with their own children. I pick up knowledge from what they don't say as much as from what they say. It is inspiring and uplifting. It is also a reminder of how much more actions matter than words. 

  

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

I'm left wondering what others see in me as a mother. What am I modeling, not just for my kids, but for other moms and moms-to-be when they watch me parent? I hope I'm showing that God is the source of my strength as a mom, that the Bible is my guidebook as I parent, and that a relationship with Christ is my ultimate goal for my children. I hope I'm demonstrating patience, love, kindness, joy, compassion, and discipline in my mothering. I hope as the years pass, other moms can be encouraged and inspired by me as I am encouraged and inspired by these moms. Thank you and Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there teaching me every day! 

... And Then, I Got Pooped On!

So let's start with the fact that I know the title of this post is bad grammar (ended with a preposition), but in what for me is a very rare exception, I'm sacrificing grammar, and I will tell you why....

In March I gave birth to a sweet baby boy and became a mother of two.  I spent a great deal of time in the months prior praying for this period of transition; I had heard all manner of stories about transitioning from one to two children.  The first couple of weeks, my husband was home from work helping me get through the days.  When he went back to work full time, I strategically had my mom come up for  a few days the first week, and then my best friend came for a few days the next week, so I could postpone being in solo mom mode for a couple of weeks.  Finally, week five came, and I bit the bullet and went all in, on my own.  Two kids.  One mom.  Zone defense. (That's a sports reference for those of you who don't know).  Just me facing five full days with a newborn boy and a not yet two-year old girl.  GAME ON!   On day four of that week, I decided to try my first solo venture to the mall.  Not only could I do some needed shopping, but our mall has a children's library with activities for little ones, so I could provide some toddler entertainment and only have to get in and out of the car once.

I managed to assemble the double stroller (or baby bus as I like think of it), get everyone strapped in, remember to grab my purse and the diaper bag, and get inside the mall with no casualties.  We hit up the library for some fun, grabbed a couple of pretzels (because that is what I do at the mall), and I found some cute new tops--not to mention managed to maneuver that giant stroller through the tiny walkways of H&M.  In the midst of all that we stopped for a baby feeding/double diaper changing session that went smoothly, rode the elevator, avoided tears when we could not ride the escalator, and I got a delicious free sample of a chocolate truffle. So, I can tell you, I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Oh yeah, I've got this.  No problem.  I had one more item I was shopping for when my son let it be known that he was ready to eat again, so I took the two things I couldn't choose between to the counter to be held for 30 minutes while we took one more trip to the nursing room.  As I sat in the chair in the little room feeding my sweet boy and watching my girl "clean" the already spotless walls with a paper towel, I can confess I was congratulating myself on just how well the day was going and how smoothly I was handling two young kiddos, and then..., I got pooped on.

I heard the sound that anyone who has cared for a newborn would recognize and knew that we were going to be changing a serious diaper.  As I lifted my son up from my lap to take a peek, I saw a little leakage from the top of his shorts and diaper and thought, "good thing I packed an extra outfit".  Then I stood up  saw the yellow spots on my dress.  BIG yellow, baby poop spots on the white section of my white and black chevron maxi dress.  There I was, a half a mall away from my car, with  giant poop stains on the front of my dress and no alternative clothing. I'd bought shirts but no pants, so I could not change into my newly purchased clothes.  I needed to go back and finish my last purchase, but even if I skipped that, I still had a long, people filled mommy-walk-of-shame back to my car.   I mentally scrambled for a solution to my problem while my now content baby slept and my daughter delightedly kept repeating in a gleeful voice, " POOP, Mama, POOP!" It was at that moment I knew God was reminding me of something I'd forgotten way too quickly.  

You see, in the first couple of day of this solo week, I was feeling more than flustered.  I was getting through the days with both kids alive and managing to throw together meals, however things were not happening to my usual standard.  In a couple of conversations with my husband and my best friend I recognized that I was not giving myself much grace.  When it comes to me, I don't have much patience for learning curves. I would tell anyone else, to be patient and recognize it has only been a few weeks, but I set impossibly high expectations for myself.  I had to be reminded by my spouse and friend that I'm just getting started in this new season, and it is going to take a "minute" for me to find my new rhythm.   I also had to remember that I was not supposed to be operating under my own power and ability,  but should be relying on God for all I need.  Fortunately, I had managed to spend some time with God each day that week with some creativity -- yes, one afternoon I put both kids in the car and drove through the neighborhood drinking my Starbucks latte and listening to the audio bible and praise music.  Whatever works, people! One of the verses that God sent my way in that time was Ephesians 2:10:

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (NIV) 

My new status of mother of two is something that God has prepared me in advanced to do.  That does mean, that He has prepared me to handle all the ups and downs, but in His timing, according to His plan, and to His standard.  That does not mean, I won't need a minute (or months) to transition into this new role and find my rhythm. I find that every time I take on a new role there is a period of transition that requires a great deal of humility and extra dependence on God before I become comfortable in said new position.  That was true for every career change, becoming a minister, becoming a wife, and becoming a mom. There is no such thing as me "getting it" on my own.  The humbling part is me realizing that I am only capable and successful because God has empowered me.  The extra dependence on  God is really me being aware of the fact that God is in control, and I must depend on Him daily.  When we become comfortable in our roles or routines, we often forget how much we are relying on God for each step we take; we can arrogantly begin to believe that we are doing this all on our own.  

I had spent two days of the week frustrated because I wasn't "getting it" and having to be reminded that I must be patient and completely dependent on God to have the success He has mapped out for me.  I spent a day praying for God to help me be more reliant on Him, to give me patience with myself, and to get out of the way as He shapes me into the mom He wants me to be.  Then, just one day later, I was suddenly giving myself a standing ovation for being awesome at stroller pushing and shopping while mothering.  I'm not saying taking care of two little ones under the age of two is a breeze, I'm just pointing out how quickly I was giving myself credit  and applause for the very thing I'd just acknowledged had to come from God.  The poop in my lap was a tangible reminder, that no matter how prepare I think I am or in control I think I may be, only God can see everything that is coming, and only with Him can I navigate the highs and lows.  As I hiked up my poop covered maxi dress making it calf-lenth instead of ankle length, and tied my wrap closed to cover the stain temporarily, I had to laugh and thank God for a solution that was humbling, but not humiliating while I reminded myself yet again, that I NEED GOD to do EVERYTHING! 

I'm sharing this for those of you, okay, those of us, who know in our hearts that we depend on the Lord, but sometimes get it into our heads, that we are running things for ourselves.  This is a reminder for all of us who like to control our situation, plan ahead, check things off the list, and bask in that sense of accomplishment when we succeed.  We have to remember that only God is truly in control.  We are only successful because God has empowered us to be and made a way for us to be.  We may be struggling in a new role, but we can give ourselves grace because God ordained that struggle so that we will keep Him at the center of all we do.  I'm sharing this so you can remember and embrace the humility and dependence that comes with being God's child.  I'm sharing this, so you can do all of this and maybe, just maybe avoid some poop!