I confess, the spring cleaning bug has grabbed a hold of me. I've already rearranged my kids dresser drawers and started reorganizing their closets. Next up: organizing the kid stuff in the garage and then I get to bust out my favorite gadget: the label maker. Yes, I'm one of those women who likes to organize and arrange. There is something about spring cleaning that helps me shake off the winter doldrums and embrace fresh life and energy. I'm not sure why I find it so thrilling to fit all of the Melissa & Doug puzzles in the perfect size tub, or why I feel a sense of victory when I create a whole new shelf space by putting away all of the newborn toys and accessories. I just do. Now before some of you bail out on me, no I'm not writing this to compel all the wives to get to cleaning. If it's what you like to do, then head to The Container Store, grab your label maker of choice and get to it. For those of you who would rather pull your hair out strand by strand than do any kind of spring cleaning, hire yourself an organizer (a side hustle I have considered taking up more than once) and let them do the work for you. However, I do think all of us married ladies could benefit from doing some spring cleaning in our marriages. Let's be real, gals, we all have some messy "closets" that could use some attention in our marriages, and I think the spring season is a great time to clean out, reorganize and inject some fresh energy in our relationships with our husbands. Before I break it down, let me just say that I'm writing this wife to wife. That means this is something for us to do ladies. Don't get bogged down in what you think your husband needs to do or what he won't do. God wants you to be the best wife you can be as it pleases Him. We must do things in response to God's love and grace, not in response to what our men may or may not be doing. That having been said, let's get to cleaning.
Clear Out the Junk
You can not begin to do any real cleaning, if you don't first get rid of the junk. Just this morning I went through my jewelry box and got rid of all the single earrings that have long since lost their mates. I dumped all of the cheap costume jewelry from 5+ years ago that I never wear anymore, and I also trashed some randomness that had come to roost in my jewelry box--where and when I acquired one polka dot shoe lace I will never know. There was no point in trying to organize my jewelry, until I made some space by cleaning out the junk I no longer need or use. How does this apply to your marriage? NO, I'm not saying throw out your husband or his stuff! Remember, in this spring cleaning exercise we are focusing on ourselves and what we can do to bring new life to our relationship. That means throwing out the junk that gets in the way of your relationship. What grudges are you holding against your husband? What old hurt do you need to finally release? I'm not saying he wasn't wrong (because he probably was). I'm not saying you weren't right (you probably were). What I am saying is, you need to let go of the old stuff.
I should clarify that anything that happened before today would qualify as old. Yes, that's right. God tells us in Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry". You may not always be able to resolve every argument before you head to bed, but I think the bigger principle in this verse is that anger should not linger. It is not enough to talk and apologize after an argument with your husband. You have to make sure that you are not holding on to any of the residual anger from that situation. 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love "keeps no record of wrongs". Girls, we are really good at remembering every wrong and keeping it filed away for future recollection, but that is a skill we need to lose. It is the equivalent of having the scary hoarder closet in your house where you have piles of junk you never use, but won't throw away because you "may need it someday". You're never going to use those bowling shoes that are a size to small, or actually make bread in that bread maker. That's why those things are in the scary closet. Keeping track of every error your husband has made serves no purpose unless your goal is to build up shrapnel to drop on him someday like a dirty bomb, and that is the action of a terrorist not a loving spouse. Throw out that junk ladies. Stop reflecting on the bad and make space in your mind and heart for the good things that your husband has done and will keep doing for you. Let his right moves linger in your heart and mind so that you will view him in a positive light.
Find the Forgotten Treasures
It never fails when I start spring cleaning, I come across something that I forgot I have and really love. Sometimes it's a fabulous pair of shoes that got stuck behind a box on a shelf. This morning it was a necklace that was tucked away in my jewelry box that I hadn't worn in a couple of years. I'm wearing it right now, because YAY! I truly believe that there are some forgotten, hidden treasures in your marriage that got stuck behind some of the junk you needed to clean out. Once you stop being mad about what he forgot to do for you last month, you might rediscover how great it feels when you catch him looking at you for no reason other than he likes what he sees. Perhaps you'll rediscover a fun activity you guys have always enjoyed doing together. Maybe you'll come across something tangible that he gave to you that puts a smile on your face when you reflect on his thoughtfulness in that moment. You married this man for a reason. Once upon a time you were all excited to put on a cute outfit and wait for him to pick you up for a date. You walked down an aisle, staircase, sidewalk or sandy beach with eagerness to say I do to this man. There was something delightful about him that captured your heart. I bet it is still there. Oh it may be buried under work or kids or everyday life, but it is there.
My husband and I share a love of music and when we were dating we spent a lot of time listening to music and talking about old songs that we both liked. Recently, we did this again when our little ones were asleep. We pulled old rap and R&B lyrics out of our memories and laughed over our 90's taste together. It was a simple and sweet evening of just having fun together. What is your thing with your husband? What can you do to rediscover that treasure? Proverbs 5:18 says, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth." This verse is an encouragement to husbands to enjoy and delight in their wives throughout marriage just as they did when the relationship was young. Ladies, our husbands cannot enjoy us if we are not looking for that same enjoyment. I was told early in my marriage by my Christian therapist that as the wife, I set the tone 99% of the time, and that has proven to be true in the almost seven years I've been married. Set a tone of joy and rediscovery with your spouse and see what treasures you'll find!
Label EVERYTHING!
Spring cleaning is not complete for me until I've pulled out the label maker and left my mark on each space I've organized. Labels help identify what things are and where they go. They allow me to maintain the clean that I've just created. I think we can do the same thing in our marriages as we spring clean. Identify how you want to act and respond as a wife. Are you joyful, loving, forgiving, selfless, and submitted? If you answered yes to all of those, you are a big fat liar! None of us have accomplished all these things, but all of us should be working on having all of these traits. Identify the kinds of things you want to say to your husband. How do you want to respond when he misses the mark? Is there a better way to let him know you're hurt or bothered by something? Label it! Practice it. Put it in a place in your mind that is easily accessible.
Just this week my husband said something that hurt my feelings. It was in NO WAY his intention, it was just one of those things that guys can say to guys and find it funny, but because I'm all full of estrogen and chocolate and feelings, I got all worked up. However, my mistake was in the moment when I responded by getting angry. After reflecting on the moment the next morning, I realized that he had no intention of hurting me and no clue why I was suddenly mad at him. Later that next day, I apologized for my response and told him that I'm going to work on saying the very simple phrase, "Babe, that hurt my feelings." Anger is the easier response, but more harmful. Saying I'm hurt requires me to show vulnerability and is tougher for me, but more honest and easier for him to respond to in a way that will bring us to resolution sooner. I had to identify the better response and put it in the forefront of my mind for future use. I labeled it, so that things will go smoother in the future.
Sisters, I can tell you that I do not have it all together as a wife. I'm a work in progress, working on getting better every single day. I mess up and start over all the time, but I live with the goal of having a godly marriage to the magnificent man God blessed me to call my own. That means I have to care for my marriage in the same way I would care for any other precious thing in my life. Spring cleaning my marriage is not about going through the motions, but about working towards a result that will bring us more joy and God more glory! I pray that you will join me this spring in giving your marriage the love, care, and attention that only YOU can bring to it!
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