My Mother's Day Mix

I know. You thought you were going to get a really cool playlist to jam to this Mother's Day.  I might try to come up with one after I write this, but we're not going to all agree on the same songs, so I might as well confess right away that this title is more about the mixed emotions I'm experiencing as I approach this Mother's Day and not my latest playlist on Amazon Music or iTunes.  In the past I have written about the pain of approaching Mother's Day after miscarriages and infertility struggles, the anticipation and empathy I experienced as a pregnant mom-to-be one Mother's Day, and the joy of celebrating Mother's Day with little ones calling me mama.  The one thing I can say that has been consistent is that Mother's Day is charged with emotion for us as women, both positive and negative ones.  Whether our focus is on a struggle with our own mother, a longing to be a mom, the joys of motherhood, or the need to rediscover our identify outside of being "mommy", we never seem to face this day in neutral.  True to form,  I'm approaching Mother's Day 2016 with some big emotions and fresh perspective on God. 

On March 13th of this year, four years to the day, and two adorable children since my second miscarriage, I experienced my third miscarriage.  Another baby in heaven.  Another life that won't take a breath on this earth.  Even after two miscarriages and a frank diagnosis from my infertility specialist that assured me I would be highly likely to miscarry a future pregnancy again, I was still caught off guard.  It had only been a week before when I realized I was expecting again.  My husband and I found ourselves laughing hysterically throughout that day after the plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test.  I mean, when you have a not yet two year-old singing Adele at the top of her lungs standing a few feet away from an almost one year-old attempting to take his first steps  and possibly singing along (if that's what you call that sound), you can't help but laugh at the prospect of adding one more bundle of joyful chaos to the mix.  Typical of me, my brain wanted to start running through the "where are we going to put this kid" scenarios right away, but my husband said one of the greatest things he's ever said to me that day, "Let's just be excited and enjoy it and not get caught up in the details."  Immediately, I shut down the logistical side of my brain, grabbed his hand and dove headfirst into the joy.  We spent the next seven days giggling and exchanging looks that only come when you have a really fun secret.  There was no panic, no fear, no anxiety, no worry, just pure, unadulterated joy at the idea of changing our family title from The Wilborn IV to The Wilborn V.  I wasn't braced for the worst, in fact it didn't even cross my mind.

So, when that Sunday morning came, and I realized the worst was happening...again... I was completely surprised.  It wasn't the speeding car slamming into the brick wall shock of my first miscarriage, but it was definitely the feeling of a rug being pulled out from under me.  I was heartbroken, shedding tears, and filled with grief, but I was also surprised to find myself simultaneously joyful, hopeful and filled with gratitude.  The first two times, I could not claim any of those three things in the first days and weeks afterwards, but here I was, in the midst of the experience, thanking God.  What was different? Certainly, the presence of my two living little ones running in and out of rooms, giggling and giving me sweet kisses served as a balm for my broken heart.  I have seen the goodness of the Lord in my children and live with a confidence in Him that I didn't know before they were born and that was definitely the source of my joy.  I have also seen all the ways that God has used my past pain to help others. I can not enumerate the conversations I've had, emails I've received, or hugs I've shared with other women who have struggled with the loss of children or the emptiness of infertility.  I've seen God use my words to bring comfort and hope, to replace loneliness with a sense of community, to bolster a weary spirit.  My hope came from knowing that God would once again use what I was going through to bring glory to His kingdom and spread compassion to His daughters.  My gratitude was directed completely toward God for the incredible man He has blessed me with as a husband.  That I get to hold, my husband's hand through these valleys of life is an incredible blessing that I do not take for granted.  I have watched marriages fall apart around us, I've seen some plateau into a numb co-existence, and I recognize that the fact that we are thriving is God's grace combined with our own commitment to make our marriage work and work well! We have dug in through tough seasons, sought counseling when needed (even when it was not fun AT ALL), and, most importantly, yielded to the Holy Spirit and worked on ourselves to be better people--and by that I mean, I work on me and he works on him, just to be clear :).   We are not perfect, nor is our marriage, but I can say our marriage is strong because of Christ. Our faith in the Lord is even greater than it was before we ever uttered the word miscarriage years ago.  Our faith in each other is greater than it was when we exchanged rings almost seven years ago, and that is all due to the love, grace, and power of the Holy Spirit working in us and through us. 

Tomorrow, I will celebrate being a mother. I will have lots of happy moments as I look at my wrecking crew of two here on earth.  I will shed a few tears for my babies in heaven: the one I foolishly sent there myself some 18 years ago, the two I lost just months apart three years ago, and the one that just joined them this March.  I will celebrate being a mother of all 6 of my children, because I am.  I will not try to just have one emotion or one feeling about the day, because it isn't possible.  On it's best day, motherhood is a mix of emotions. My encouragement to all of you out there is to simply feel whatever you need to feel tomorrow.  If it is regret and grief for a child you aborted, feel it. If it is sorrow for a child you miscarried, feel it.  If it is longing for a child that lived for a time, but has gone on to be with God, feel it.  If it is joy for a new baby in your arms this year, feel it.  If it is happiness for the little one or ones running around your house armed with crayons and legos, feel it.  If it is frustration with a teenager working to redefine the word attitude, feel it.  If it is apprehension for an adult child who has lost his or her way in the world, feel it.  Feel all those things, because all of those feelings come with the title of mother.  Feel it, but cover those feelings with your faith in a God who is bigger than your pain, greater than your fears, and the provider of your joy.  Let you faith in God be the thing that carries you through the day as it is the only thing that will carry us all through this journey that is motherhood.  Feelings will take us on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs that make navigating life on our own impossible, but God is constant and when our faith in Him is constant, we can get through anything with joy, hope, and a thankful heart!

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

It's What Moms Do

As this Mother's Day drew near, I began to reflect on the wisdom I have gathered from the women in my life who are mothers, and I realized much of the wisdom I've gleaned from then has been observed, not spoken. We've all heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words."  The blessing of having so many fantastic moms in my life has been the opportunity to simply "listen" to their actions and take mental notes of the lessons they are teaching through living.  On this Mother's Day, I want to acknowledge them as I share what I have learned with you:

From my Mom I learned...that being a good mom means modeling Christ especially behind closed doors where only your kids might see you. 

From my Grandmother I learned...to express love to my children as often as I can and be their biggest cheerleader. 

From my Godmother, Emma I learned...to be sure my children know they have a place of safety with me. 

From my Mother-in-Love, Constance I learned...mothers make sacrifices for their kids without hesitation or regret. 

From Regina J. I learned...however exhausting it may be, consistency with my kids pays off in the long run and is a big part of loving them.  

From Kim B. I learned...you can love however many children God blesses you to have uniquely and fully! 

From Tania Q. I learned...to enjoy all the moments with my living children while remembering  my children in heaven.

From Lulie T. I learned...no past sin can negate my God-given ability to be a loving mother.

From Leslie A. I learned...to be the best mom I can be, I must be the best me I can be.

From Yanci Y. I learned...not to be afraid to let my kids get dirty, play hard, or fall down. 

From Lisa Y. I learned...to teach my kids to love God's house. 

From Patricia L. I learned...to teach my kids to celebrate their heritage while preparing them for a future of possibilities. 

From Julie R. I learned...to take parenting seriously but not take myself too seriously. 

From Ronique W. I learned...to cherish every second with kids, the good and the difficult. 

From Christie B. I learned...to give my kids every opportunity I can to discover their own creativity. 

From Marianne C. I learned...a listening ear and sincere hug are priceless. 

From Carissa B. I learned...if I use the gifts and talents God has blessed me with as I parent, my children will discover and use their own gifts and talents. 

From Liz S. I learned...if I enjoy my children at every age and stage, they will enjoy me in return. 

From Tianne M. I learned...to make the most of every moment you may have with your kids. God multiplies the impact of mama minutes. 

From Sarah H. I learned...your kids are capable of a lot more than most will give them credit for, so challenge them! 

From Bonnie L. I learned...to instill discipline AND fun in your daily lives! 

From Andrea T. I learned...staying calm and embracing the joy of motherhood makes it all easier! 

From Cindy T. I learned...you can raise your kids to be strong and independent, and still hold them in your heart as your babies.  

I get to come into contact with lots of mamas and observe their interactions with their own children. I pick up knowledge from what they don't say as much as from what they say. It is inspiring and uplifting. It is also a reminder of how much more actions matter than words. 

  

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

I'm left wondering what others see in me as a mother. What am I modeling, not just for my kids, but for other moms and moms-to-be when they watch me parent? I hope I'm showing that God is the source of my strength as a mom, that the Bible is my guidebook as I parent, and that a relationship with Christ is my ultimate goal for my children. I hope I'm demonstrating patience, love, kindness, joy, compassion, and discipline in my mothering. I hope as the years pass, other moms can be encouraged and inspired by me as I am encouraged and inspired by these moms. Thank you and Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there teaching me every day! 

Finding the Perfect Mother's Day Gift

Mother's Day is one of those holidays that most people don't know how it came to exist, but go along with it anyway.  From the time we are tiny our dads, grandmas, or older siblings told us on this particular Sunday of the each year, we needed to make something special for Mommy, cook her breakfast in bed, and, most importantly, be especially good.   These instructions have been the motivation behind a plethora of  hand print art pieces, overcooked eggs, and whispered sibling fights.  As we get older, we go through the entire "Things Remembered" collection  knowing that Mom will smile and seem genuinely thrilled with just about anything that has our picture or name on it.  We stand elbow to elbow in the card section at Target picking out the perfect card, or the one card that is left that has a matching envelope and is not in a language we don't speak.  Some years, we go all out and get her something really good like a massage or art made by an actual artist, and Mom's reaction is not just genuine, it's off the charts because she had given up hope of ever getting a gift she really likes.  However, in spite of our stumbling through early morning kitchen destruction, mediocre gifts and buying the same card two years in a row, our moms really are always so thankful on Mother's Day.  They walk around with big smiles and relish well-wishes from family and strangers alike.  For years, it has been a mystery to me why moms are so appreciative when we often don't do such a great job of celebrating them.  

Then, I had a child of my own.  For the past ten months I have been a real life, in the trenches, 24/7 mommy.  Motherhood is a whirlwind!  Some days you feel made for it and some days you think you're completely failing.  Some days you can't remember life before being a mommy and some days you can't remember your name.  It is exhausting and exhilarating.  It is painful and precious.  It is  terrifying and thrilling.  It is jolting and joyful.  It is by far the greatest job I've ever had in my life, even when I'm up at 3am with a teething child who doesn't understand why her mouth hurts.  The gift of a child that you get to love and comfort and shape and teach is tremendous.  The fact that God has trusted you with His precious creation and is letting you represent His love and grace and comfort is humbling and awe-inspiring.  Which is why, I'm looking forward to all of the random, hand crafted,  dollar-store gifts that will come my way in years to come.  The gift of being a mom is truly the apex of gifts.  There is nothing greater that I can be given, and every time I hear "Happy Mother's Day" this year, I'll be thinking about my precious gift and the joy permanently residing in my heart because of her existence.  

Of course, you can still TRY to give a great gift.  Spa days are great, jewelry is always good, and if you have a mom like me, you can't go wrong with a great pair of shoes! Hand print optional.  :)

  

For the Brokenhearted Mothers and Mothers-to-Be

With Mother's Day just a few days away, I can not help but remember what I was feeling this time last year.  You can read my exact feelings in this post, but to sum it up I can say that I was dreading the day.  I was grieving my two miscarriages that had occurred in the 6 months before and facing a very discouraging infertility diagnosis.  My empty arms and empty womb were a painful and tangible reminder of a dream I'd had since childhood that seemed to be slipping away, the dream of being a mother.  This year I'm on the other side of a miracle, just 8 weeks away from my due date, counting down the minutes until, Lord willing, I get to hold my baby girl in my arms for the first time.  I'm full of the joy of anticipation and the immeasurable gratitude to my God for this life that is even now squirming inside of me.  And yet, I can not help but remember my sisters out there who are still waiting, still grieving, still longing for a child of their own.  I do not take a thing for granted even as I believe in faith that this child I will bear is the answer to my prayers.  I know that so many of you have prayed and are still praying for your own miracle child and are trying to find hope, even in moments when you despair.  In the past year, I've known women who have lost their children to miscarriage, stillbirth, chromosomal disorders, and tragic accidents.  I have been witness to their grief and misery. I have shed tears with them and for them.  I have prayed for their hearts to be mended and their grief to subside.  Even now, I hope with them as they continue to long for children of their own, and I know that if I, with all of my human shortcomings, will remember them on this Mother's Day, God remembers them all the more.  

He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever. Psalm 136:23

Throughout the Bible we see that God remembers His people.  He hears their cries of pain and sorrow. He rescues them from misery.  He restores them to a place of joy.  This Mother's Day, I want to remind all of you with empty wombs and empty arms, that the same God who remembered the children of Israel, remembers you.  The Savior knows how you hurt, and He hurts with you.  He knows the desires of your heart, and He has a plan for you.  It was last August that I began to realize I needed to wait on the Lord for a child, stop trying to find my own solution, and allow Him to do the work that only He can do, the work of creation.  It was in early September that I completely surrendered to His timing and plan for when I would get to be a mother.  I did so with the full knowledge and expectation that I might have months or even years ahead of me with no children.  I did so knowing that His answer to my prayers might not include me carrying a child in my womb.  I did so knowing that I might have many Mays to face with no cards on Mother's Day.  I did so because I trust Him. At the end of the day, I trust that God knows better for me than I know for myself.  He sees my future when I can only glimpse today.  He loves me more than I can ever imagine loving anyone. 

I hope you know the same is true for you.  God knows what is the absolute best plan for your life and that is the plan He has you working towards.  It will not feel good at all times and it will come with hardships, but it is still His best for you.  God does not just see where you are right now, but what your future holds.  His perspective is greater than yours so His knowledge of what is best is superior to yours.  God loves you in a way that you can't even comprehend. All the love you feel for the children you lost is just a fraction of what God feels for you as His child.  He is not some distant figure, but a loving father who grieves with you.  Know that He is always working to mend your broken heart.  I pray that you will trust Him this Mother's Day.  Trust Him with your dreams and desires. Trust Him by turning to Him in your moments of despair.  As you carry your burden week by week, allow God to carry it with you by reading His word, praying to Him,  going to church, and praising Him in the midst of your sorrow.  These may not be the easiest steps to take, but I know personally that they are the best and only steps that will return you to a place of joy.  I will be thinking of you all on this Mother's Day, and I can say with a certainty that God will most definitely be thinking of you too!

Facing This Mother's Day

As this Mother's Day approaches I find it hard to pin down my emotions.  I have the greatest mother on the planet, so I have always loved celebrating her.  Frankly, with a kid like me she should get two holidays a year, not one.  I was not an easy one to raise, and yet she did it with grace, love, and discipline.  In my admiration for my mom, I always knew one way I wanted to emulate her. I looked forward to the day that I would get to be the kind of mom to my own children, that my mom had been to me. When I was recovering from my abortion years ago, I grieved the child I was too foolish to keep, but had great hopes for the ones yet to come.  I still look forward to that day, but it has been delayed.  In the past six months I have miscarried two children and instead of this being my "mom-to-be" Mother's Day, it will be a day of hope and gratitude mixed with grief and sorrow.  I know that I will not be able to help thinking of the children that I've lost this Mother's Day, the ones I will never hold and will never hear call me "Mommy".  At the same time, I believe that I will someday hold other children who will call me "Mommy" and "Mama" and "Mom" and "Mother!" in all the tones that those words are delivered, good and bad.  As I count down to this Sunday, I can't help but think of the other mothers out there like me.  Others have made the horrible decision of terminating their children and now live with the grief and regret that comes in the aftermath.  Others have lost children who were never born and feel the emptiness of their arms deeply.  Other still, like my own mother, have lost children that they knew and named, dressed and bathed, played with and talked to.  Those mothers have pictures and toys and songs that still hold the memories of those children they have outlived.  We may arrive at this day from different causes but we are unified on this day by our sorrow.  My prayer is that we will also be unified in our hope. 

I don't doubt I and many of you will shed a few tears this Sunday.  To be honest, I already have shed a few this week just thinking about the day to come, but I know that some of the tears I shed will be tears of joy.  I am so thankful that our God also grieved the loss of a child, His Son.  He knows our exact pain and sorrow.  He felt our loss to a greater extent than we have felt it, and He did so willingly.  "For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only Son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."  This verse from John 3:16 is so often quoted, but this Mother's Day it has new meaning for me.  Not only has God felt my pain, but He chose to feel it to save us all!  He allowed His perfect, flawless Child to die, so His imperfect, sinful children could live!  I am more thankful for that now than I have ever been.  I am thankful that I serve a God who has a capacity for love that far exceeds my ability to understand it or receive it. I'm thankful that Jesus Christ so willingly walked this earth so that I could have a perfect model for how to live my life.  Every sacrifice He made, was made for God's glory, even when those around Him did not get it.  

So this Mother's Day, I am praying for the strength that comes from my Savior. I'm praying for the strength to serve for His glory even if those around me don't get it, to serve for His glory even when I don't get it.   I am praying for all of the other mothers out there who know Jesus Christ to be comforted by the knowledge that our God truly understands, and if we live our lives for His glory, our losses are not in vain.  This Sunday we can be more than mothers who have lost our children, we can be daughters of the King who live on for His glory.  To live with hope is to glorify God, so know that your hope has not died with your children. Your hope lives in Jesus Christ who is eternal.  Trust in Him.  Hope.  Be joyful.  In all of these things, you will bring glory to God!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13