1st Day of ...ANYTHING

Today was my 3 year-old daughter's first day of preschool. Up until today, she's only gone to childcare for a couple of hours during church or Bible study, when I was just down the hall with the other grown ups, but this morning we walked up to her school with a lunch box and nap mat and the knowledge that mommy was leaving.  She has been counting down the days to starting school with nothing but excitement and eager anticipation. This morning she marched right through the main doors, looked for her name over her hook where I had to place her bag and lunch box, and then sashayed into her classroom without a backward's glance.

I was anticipating getting a bit teary-eyed as I left her this morning, but, instead, I found myself laughing as I walked back to my car.  Her boldness and confidence as she walked into a brand new environment was energizing.  Her complete lack of hesitation about a new experience was encouraging.   Her excitement to start a new chapter of her life was inspiring.  All I could think was, "This is exactly how I should approach every new part of my own life!" How much better would new seasons of our lives be if we approached them with boldness and fearlessness rather than with uncertainty and anxiety?

Too often our adult minds question, second guess, over analyze, and anticipate the worst of a new situation. We start a new job or new role at work with trepidation, worrying that we might not catch on to the new role quickly enough.  We look forward to a new baby, but worry ourselves to death that we will make mistakes and mess up the kid. We mar a new experience with our worries, rather than energize it and ourselves with excitement.  Even when we are looking forward to something, we often manage to steal some of the joy out of the experience with our worries.

Watching my Faith walk into her room this morning, I knew that she wasn't the least bit worried about making friends, figuring out what to do, or getting things right.  She was simply excited to finally start something she's been looking forward to for a long time. She wasn't imagining possible obstacles, just eagerly anticipating new opportunities.  She walked in living out the verse that we too often forget:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

To be clear, I'm not talking about a medically diagnosed anxiety here. I'm talking about the kind of anxiety we magnify and make worse by over thinking a situation.  This verse says we should not be anxious about ANYTHING.  There is no situation in your life that warrants your worrying over it.  God is in control and is walking with you through every single door!

Instead of wasting time worrying, we are to use our time wisely and pray!  When you catch yourself worrying about your next new situation, stop and pray for God to prepare you.  Ask God to provide all that you need mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially for whatever situation you're facing.  Worrying is ALWAYS a waste of time. Praying is NEVER a waste  of time!

Be thankful for the season you are entering. However challenging, a new season is a reminder that you are still getting to live life on this earth and receive the blessings of God. Be thankful for whatever that may be in your life.  If you're heading off to college or grad school, be thankful for the opportunity to learn and expand your mind.  If you're adding a child to your family, be thankful for another little one to love.  If you're starting a new job, be thankful for the provision that comes with that job!  Even if the new season is not a pleasant milestone like divorce or losing a loved one, there is still something for which you can be thankful. Last month, I experienced my fourth miscarriage.  While it is hard to imagine, I found myself being grateful for my husband who is amazingly there for me each time we have walked through this loss. I thanked God for my faith that my unborn children are living a perfect life in heaven with Jesus. I even found myself thanking God for the 10 weeks of pregnancy and the time this child did get to live in my womb.  There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, and when we focus on being grateful, we end up being focused on God's glory!

When you shut down your worry, step up your prayer, and speak your thankfulness, you will discover new depths of joy and contentment. This is that peace that comes from God! When the Bible says it transcends all understanding, it is talking about the inability for the world to understand how steady you are no matter what you are facing.  You are experiencing something supernatural that only comes from Christ.

It is my prayer that you and I will know that peace and show it to the world, for God's glory.  In the end, we will not only glorify God, we will also spend much more of our lives experiencing joy.  And wouldn't you rather spend more of your life being joyful and at peace rather than anxious and stressed out?  I'm just saying'!

My Candidate

It's impossible to ignore the presidential race right now.  Between the news, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and the randomly overheard elevator conversations,  I feel like I'm constantly subjected to a barrage of information on the two candidates.  Every week there is a new poll, a new social media rant, and new mistake or offense.  In the midst of a lot of information that doesn't actually seem relevant to the job of being president of the United States, I hear the moans and groans of so many Americans who love one, hate the other, or feel like they are being offered a choice between brussels sprouts or beets for dessert (my apologies if you consider either of those actual good dessert choices).  As I listen to the rhetoric, the spin, the commentary on the spin, and more, I can't help but feel a sense of relief.  Yes, I said relief.  I'm relieved because never am I more aware of how very human and helpless we are as I am right now.  While I will definitely vote--I always vote; people took beatings and died so I could vote--I am still aware that I'm helpless as an individual person to get the perfect person in the oval office.  I'm not able to change the stalemate that seems to be the new status quo in Congress.  I have no actual power when it comes to selecting or influencing future Supreme Court judges.  Rather than depress me, this comforts me.  Why?

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9


That's why.  Any time in my life as a believer that I have been helpless, incapable, weak, or lacking, God has shown up big time to confirm that I am not enough, but He is more than enough.  God is 100% aware of the state of things in our nation. He sees the corruption, the divisiveness, the inequity of wealth, the immorality, the arrogance, the fear disguised as hatred, the idolatry, and, most painfully, the failure of too many Christians to represent Him rightly.  He sees it.  He grieves it. He has a plan to resolve it all.

I know this as David knew with a certainty that can not be shaken.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

I know that He will use the bad for good, as he did in Joseph's life.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  Genesis 50:20

I know, as Paul did, that regardless of who is in charge on earth, God is still in charge of it all!

At the right time, he will make him known. God is the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords. 1 Timothy 6:15 


I know that we live in a fallen world and things can never be completely right until Jesus returns. 

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned-.... Romans 5:12

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

My true candidate, the one who always has my vote, who always wins, who can solve all problems and is worthy of my complete faith and trust, is Jesus.  It's in Jesus that I have true hope.  Like, I said before, I will choose a candidate to vote for in the booth, but I will do so knowing that person is limited, is human, and is likely to make mistakes along the way.  That's just reality.  The best way I know that we can live in this reality, is to keep our hearts and minds focused on Christ, and share the Gospel more than we share political opinions.  I'm just sayin'!

Prayer of a Mother of a Black Son

Father God,

As I write out this prayer, I'm sitting in my living room watching my 15 month-old boy play with puzzles and wondering how many of the people who see him today as sweet and cute, will someday fear him.  This precious baby that loves Elmo and banging on toys like drums, may one day be viewed as a threat simply because he is tall and muscular and black. Lord, am I to pray for him to not have his father's genes and somehow end up under 6 feet tall so he won't be so "scary"?  Jesus, should I pray that he moves overseas and lives in a nation where black men aren't stopped and questioned and suspected simply for being black?  God, only you know exactly what these men and boys that have been killed in our nation in recent days and years have or have not done.  I don't presume they are innocent of any wrongdoing, because I know that none of us are innocent of wrongdoing.  Your word assures us that all have sinned and fall short.  Yet, these men and boys aren't even getting due process. They are being executed in the street. My sweet son's greatest sin right now is toddler selfishness. He will grow up and do worst things for sure, and it is my greatest prayer that he will repent of his sins and yield his heart to Jesus at a young age.  However, I now find that I must pray just as fervently that his life is not cut short by a nervous civilian or police officer who assumes the worst simply because his skin is brown.  I'm praying against fear today. I'm praying against the fear in my heart for my son and my husband.  I'm praying against the fear that is the root of biggotry and prejudice. I'm praying against the fear police officers feel when they approach black men, praying it does not rule them, so they will be less inclined to reach for their guns and shoot.  I pray against the fear of offending people that makes too many feel that we can't or shouldn't discuss these things.  I pray against fear because it is the tool of the enemy. I pray against fear because it leads to divisiveness.  I pray against fear because the result of it is hatred and senselessness rather than compassion and thoughtfulness.  I pray against fear because I refuse to let it overshadow the joy of being the mother of my sweet black boy.  God, You can transform minds, heal broken hearts and instill courage. I plead with You now to do what only You can in the hearts and minds of our nation. We are all made in Your image.  We all matter to You.  We all need You desperately.  In the meantime, Father, protect my father, my husband and my son.  Keep them safe from those in this world who will see them as a threat,when all they should see is Jesus.

Amen

The Summer Suck

Okay, that title is flinch worthy, but I just couldn't think of a better way of describing the condition that hits me too often in the summer.  There is something about summer in my adult years, that just throws me off my game in so many ways.  Spring is all about fresh energy and reorganizing.  Fall is that sweet season of football, fresh clothing options, and holiday anticipation.  Yes, winter often brings the blues for a while as we get tired of extra darkness and recover from our holiday whirlwind but that's to be expected.  It is the lull that sometimes hits me in the summer that is always so surprising and frustrating. 

Too often I find myself in the summer, covered in sweat as I walk the 15 feet from my door to my car (did I mention I live in Texas), uncertain of what the actual date is if it's not July 4th, my daughter's birthday, my anniversary, or Labor Day, and wondering when fall will get here  and things can "get started" again. Seriously, what the heck happened to summer?  I remember when I used to run out of a school building chanting with glee about the end of pencils and books.  I would be thrilled to wear my summer clothes, head to the pool, and pack up for vacation.  I remember rolling down the streets of Northern Virginia with my windows rolled down (manually) blasting DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince, singing, Summer, summer, summertime, with all the coolness of a high school student enjoying her free time.  This bliss followed me through my undergraduate years and then I grew up and reality hit.  Summer for adults is NOT THE SAME!  

I remember that first summer after I'd worked a full year, when I realized there was no longer a summer break when you're an adult.  The disappointment of realizing I still had to go to work, and in 99 degree heat was devastating.  I remember when I left the corporate world and went into ministry how we would foolishly talk about summer as if things "eased up" only to realize that nothing eases up because Sunday still happens every weekend, and we still have church, again in 99 degree heat.  Now, I'm a mostly stay-at-home mom with two small people who have no concept of time, seasons, or days of the week and look to me to be their cruise director each day, providing activities and entertainment.  They don't understand why so many of our fun activities shut down for the summer; they don't understand why the playground slide now feels like the oven I tell them not to touch.  They also don't understand the heat.  Today, my almost 3 year old daughter pointed to her armpits and said, "Mama, why is it wet under here?"  Seriously people,  99 degrees!


Maybe you are also feeling the drag of the summer suck, or maybe you love summer and think I'm nuts. If that's the case, I invite you to reflect on whatever season or occasion unexpectedly, yet habitually tries to knock the joy out of you by throwing off your routine or pulling you from the things that you typically enjoy.  The point I'm making here is that it is crazy how something like heat and an endless routine  or messed-up routine can sneak up and steal your God-given joy from you.  

How easily we are thrown.  How foolish we are to ever believe the source of our joy is our surroundings or circumstances. 

" The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy...." John 10:10a

Every time summer or any other season or situation creeps up on me and hits me in the back of the head, I'm reminded that the enemy is a thief.  Thieves creep up behind you and knock you out to take what you value most.  At least they do in the movies, I've seen.  Forget the red cape and horns.  I'm more inclined to picture the devil as a dude in a black turtleneck, black pants, and a black knit cap or ski mask tiptoeing through my house bagging up my patience, peace, joy, and self-control like they were electronics and jewels. And when I picture him like that, it reminds me that I'm not the victim in the house, I'm the safe.  

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst."

1 Corinthians 3:16

The Spirit lives in me, and I am His temple.  That means, it is my job to keep the temple secure. I can't allow the gifts that I have been given to be stolen from me.  I have to arm myself, stay on my guard against spiritual attacks, and keep focused on the things of God, so that nothing He has given me can be taken away, nothing He has spoken into me can be outshouted, and nothing He has planned for me can be derailed.  What's true for me is true for you.  When you are feeling low, spiritually drained, hopeless, or down because of circumstances, remember that you have the power that raised Jesus from the dead living inside you, the Holy Spirit. He lives in you, He enables you,  & He wants you to experience the joy and peace that comes from Him.  

Earlier this week, I looked around me and realized I was letting the "funk" of the summer season suck me into laziness both spiritually, mentally, and physically. You noticed, if you follow my blog, the lack of posts for a few weeks.  I wasn't depressed, I was simply being lazy as a result of feeling "off". I had one of those 5am wake up calls (from God, not my toddlers) where the Spirit rebuked me for my laziness and told me to get up and do the things I know I'm supposed to do.  He reminded me that God also does not get a summer break, so His work still needs to get done and that means my work still needs to get done.  He reminded me that there is joy to be found even in 99 degree heat.  And just to be sure I heard Him on Monday morning, He popped this verse into YouVersion this morning as the verse of the day: 

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

You know, Romans 8 tells us that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray for ourselves.  I'm pretty sure this verse in Psalms is exactly what He was praying for me when He woke me up Monday morning.  Now, I'm praying it for myself, and I'm praying it for anyone of you out there who is reading this and finding yourself getting sucked into circumstances whether that's today as I write this, or six months from now when you stumble across this post for no reason you can fathom.  He will restore your joy and have you singing happy songs about "summer" again! 

Here it is the groove slightly transformed, just a bit of a break from the norm. Just a little something' to break the monotony... (duh, of course I'm playing it right now).  

Don't Be THAT Girl!

Guilty!  I'm guilty of doing it yet again.  Every time I think I've recovered from that dreaded JABBIC disease, I find myself coming down with a fresh case of it.  You know JABBIC disease right?  Judge-A-Book-By-Its-Cover disease?  You know, that tendency I (and maybe some of you) have to let someone's outfit or appearance guide me to a conclusion about their character?  Whether its assuming the girl in the Tory Burch flats and Kate Spade purse is a snob or thinking the guy in the wife-beater and grungy jeans is a slob, it is ALWAYS dangerous to think you know what someone is like based on how they look.  Once again, I was guilty of making the wrong call even though it was just for a few seconds before God opened my eyes to the truth. 

I was at a local mall having just wrapped up some quality time with my two toddlers in the play area. Wait. Let me stop right there.  Right now, some of you are judging me for taking my kids to the mall playground.  You know what? Go ahead. I used to do it. I used to swear I would NEVER take my kids to one of those areas. I used to say the whole concept of a playground in the mall was an abomination. And then I found myself staying home with a two-year-old and a one-year-old and I realized, the indoor playground is a gift from God.  The ability to go to one place and let your kids play and tire themselves out, pick up a cup of coffee from Starbucks, and  return that impulse buy from Nordstrom all while only getting the kids in and out of the car once is one of the tangible ways I know that God loves me.  Sorry, I got off subject there, back to my Miss Judgey moment....

I had both kids in the double stroller, and we were heading to the car maneuvering our way around a long line of people waiting to order food. In that line were several business man, and one twenty-something girl wearing a fitted cropped tank and leggings.  I remember seeing her out of the corner of my eye and thinking to myself, "God, please don't let my daughter ever be THAT girl."  Now, I will argue for modesty ALL day long and truly think it matters, but I wasn't just thinking of the lack of modesty of her outfit. I was assigning all kinds of negative character traits to her based on that outfit, things I couldn't actually know about her.  And then the next second happened. Just a few feet from the young woman I was busy judging, a frail, elderly woman who was getting her morning exercise in the mall tripped and fell flat on her face. All of the dozen or so people in the vicinity, including myself, immediately reacted with concern. Several people knelt down to check on her.  I pulled out my phone and after a quick consultation with the three people kneeling down close to her, called 911.  The poor woman was not moving, and while conscious, was bleeding from a would we later learned was on her chin.  

For the first few minutes, everyone stayed nearby expressing concern, looking for ways to help.   When the mall security guard arrived, several people moved on getting back to their shopping or eating or ordering their lunch.  A moment later when the police officer arrived, only a couple of us were still standing by ready to help.  Ten minutes later when the EMTs arrived to take her to the hospital, only one person was still kneeling by her side.  That person was not the professionally dressed gentleman who first asked her if she was okay.  It was not the older, motherly figure who had shown such concern and thanked me for calling 911.  Yep, you guessed it.  It was THAT girl.  Without a bit of regard for herself, that midriff bearing, twenty-something had knelt by the woman's side as though it was her own grandmother.  She was the one who asked her name first.  She was the one who looked around the crowd and asked if anyone was with her.  She was the one who made sure I was calling 911.  She was the one who dug in her purse and pulled out a wet wipe to clean the blood from the sweet woman's hands.  She was the one who was holding her hand and whispering comforting words as the EMTs began to check her out.  As distressed as I was for the poor, injured 91-year-old woman, I was incredibly moved by the compassion of this young woman.  I wasn't the only one to notice her.  My two-year-old daughter saw her actions and asked me if she was the lady's mother.  In her mind, the person that takes care of you when you're hurt is mama and through eyes that couldn't yet distinguish the vast age difference, she just saw actions of the young woman towards the injured woman and came to the only conclusion that made sense to her. 

Suddenly, I went from thinking, "God, please don't let my daughter ever be THAT girl," to "God, please let my daughter grow up to be THAT girl!".  Of course, I want her to dress modestly and I'm teaching her that. However, that was not the thing that caught her eye or convicted my heart.  My daughter got to witness the story of the Good Samaritan played out in modern times right in front of her.  This young woman was of a different generation, a different race, and who knows what other differences existed between her and the sweet elderly woman on the ground.  The dozen or so others who were closer in age, of the same race, and probably the ones I would have expected to stay and help had all gone on about their day, but this young lady didn't think twice about staying and helping.  Later that day, my daughter asked about the lady who fell down. She wanted to pray for her again.  She prayed for God to make her feel better, and then she prayed for the "other lady", the one who helped her.  In the weeks that have followed, when she has thought of the incident,  she has asked about the lady that fell down, and she always asks about the "other lady", the one who helped her.  I don't know anything about that young woman. I don't know what she believes or how she lives, but I know in that moment she modeled Jesus. She did exactly what Christ has called us to do in such a moment.  I was convicted in that moment of my personal failure in judging someone that I knew nothing about. In that moment of prejudice, Christ was saying to me, "Janay, don't you be THAT girl!"   I was convicted in that moment and I was also inspired, inspired to be sure that my actions are like the ones of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10 and the "good samaritan"  we saw in the mall that day.  I can hear Christ saying to me exactly what He said at the end of that parable in verse 37, "Go, and do likewise" or as I hear it in my head, "Go, be THAT girl."  I intend to do just that. 

My Mother's Day Mix

I know. You thought you were going to get a really cool playlist to jam to this Mother's Day.  I might try to come up with one after I write this, but we're not going to all agree on the same songs, so I might as well confess right away that this title is more about the mixed emotions I'm experiencing as I approach this Mother's Day and not my latest playlist on Amazon Music or iTunes.  In the past I have written about the pain of approaching Mother's Day after miscarriages and infertility struggles, the anticipation and empathy I experienced as a pregnant mom-to-be one Mother's Day, and the joy of celebrating Mother's Day with little ones calling me mama.  The one thing I can say that has been consistent is that Mother's Day is charged with emotion for us as women, both positive and negative ones.  Whether our focus is on a struggle with our own mother, a longing to be a mom, the joys of motherhood, or the need to rediscover our identify outside of being "mommy", we never seem to face this day in neutral.  True to form,  I'm approaching Mother's Day 2016 with some big emotions and fresh perspective on God. 

On March 13th of this year, four years to the day, and two adorable children since my second miscarriage, I experienced my third miscarriage.  Another baby in heaven.  Another life that won't take a breath on this earth.  Even after two miscarriages and a frank diagnosis from my infertility specialist that assured me I would be highly likely to miscarry a future pregnancy again, I was still caught off guard.  It had only been a week before when I realized I was expecting again.  My husband and I found ourselves laughing hysterically throughout that day after the plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test.  I mean, when you have a not yet two year-old singing Adele at the top of her lungs standing a few feet away from an almost one year-old attempting to take his first steps  and possibly singing along (if that's what you call that sound), you can't help but laugh at the prospect of adding one more bundle of joyful chaos to the mix.  Typical of me, my brain wanted to start running through the "where are we going to put this kid" scenarios right away, but my husband said one of the greatest things he's ever said to me that day, "Let's just be excited and enjoy it and not get caught up in the details."  Immediately, I shut down the logistical side of my brain, grabbed his hand and dove headfirst into the joy.  We spent the next seven days giggling and exchanging looks that only come when you have a really fun secret.  There was no panic, no fear, no anxiety, no worry, just pure, unadulterated joy at the idea of changing our family title from The Wilborn IV to The Wilborn V.  I wasn't braced for the worst, in fact it didn't even cross my mind.

So, when that Sunday morning came, and I realized the worst was happening...again... I was completely surprised.  It wasn't the speeding car slamming into the brick wall shock of my first miscarriage, but it was definitely the feeling of a rug being pulled out from under me.  I was heartbroken, shedding tears, and filled with grief, but I was also surprised to find myself simultaneously joyful, hopeful and filled with gratitude.  The first two times, I could not claim any of those three things in the first days and weeks afterwards, but here I was, in the midst of the experience, thanking God.  What was different? Certainly, the presence of my two living little ones running in and out of rooms, giggling and giving me sweet kisses served as a balm for my broken heart.  I have seen the goodness of the Lord in my children and live with a confidence in Him that I didn't know before they were born and that was definitely the source of my joy.  I have also seen all the ways that God has used my past pain to help others. I can not enumerate the conversations I've had, emails I've received, or hugs I've shared with other women who have struggled with the loss of children or the emptiness of infertility.  I've seen God use my words to bring comfort and hope, to replace loneliness with a sense of community, to bolster a weary spirit.  My hope came from knowing that God would once again use what I was going through to bring glory to His kingdom and spread compassion to His daughters.  My gratitude was directed completely toward God for the incredible man He has blessed me with as a husband.  That I get to hold, my husband's hand through these valleys of life is an incredible blessing that I do not take for granted.  I have watched marriages fall apart around us, I've seen some plateau into a numb co-existence, and I recognize that the fact that we are thriving is God's grace combined with our own commitment to make our marriage work and work well! We have dug in through tough seasons, sought counseling when needed (even when it was not fun AT ALL), and, most importantly, yielded to the Holy Spirit and worked on ourselves to be better people--and by that I mean, I work on me and he works on him, just to be clear :).   We are not perfect, nor is our marriage, but I can say our marriage is strong because of Christ. Our faith in the Lord is even greater than it was before we ever uttered the word miscarriage years ago.  Our faith in each other is greater than it was when we exchanged rings almost seven years ago, and that is all due to the love, grace, and power of the Holy Spirit working in us and through us. 

Tomorrow, I will celebrate being a mother. I will have lots of happy moments as I look at my wrecking crew of two here on earth.  I will shed a few tears for my babies in heaven: the one I foolishly sent there myself some 18 years ago, the two I lost just months apart three years ago, and the one that just joined them this March.  I will celebrate being a mother of all 6 of my children, because I am.  I will not try to just have one emotion or one feeling about the day, because it isn't possible.  On it's best day, motherhood is a mix of emotions. My encouragement to all of you out there is to simply feel whatever you need to feel tomorrow.  If it is regret and grief for a child you aborted, feel it. If it is sorrow for a child you miscarried, feel it.  If it is longing for a child that lived for a time, but has gone on to be with God, feel it.  If it is joy for a new baby in your arms this year, feel it.  If it is happiness for the little one or ones running around your house armed with crayons and legos, feel it.  If it is frustration with a teenager working to redefine the word attitude, feel it.  If it is apprehension for an adult child who has lost his or her way in the world, feel it.  Feel all those things, because all of those feelings come with the title of mother.  Feel it, but cover those feelings with your faith in a God who is bigger than your pain, greater than your fears, and the provider of your joy.  Let you faith in God be the thing that carries you through the day as it is the only thing that will carry us all through this journey that is motherhood.  Feelings will take us on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs that make navigating life on our own impossible, but God is constant and when our faith in Him is constant, we can get through anything with joy, hope, and a thankful heart!

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was 1983, and I was 9 years old attending the birthday party of a school mate, whose name I can't remember.  I can't remember much about the party except the moment when this song came on, and we all started dancing around in the way only silly 9 year-old girls can. I remember the song ended,  and I ran over to the record player (you know those cool vintage things they sell at the front of Urban Outfitters for way too much money) to read the label on the 45 so I could know what this song was.  It said "Delirious" by Prince.  I also remember going home after the party to look up the word "delirious" in the dictionary (you know that really thick book that says Webster's on it that is on your mom's bookshelf) because I had no idea what it meant.  I can't say that my nine year-old brain comprehended the complexity of the song or its meaning.  I just knew it was a lot of fun, it made me want to dance, and I had just become a Prince fan.  By the time Purple Rain came out a year later (a film I was definitely NOT allowed to see), we were living overseas, and I was the proud owner of a Sony Walkman (shout out to my fellow 80's kids).  I purchased my bootleg copy of the soundtrack at the souk in Yanbu, Saudi Arabia, and to this day, I can't picture the landscapes of that desert land without hearing "Purple Rain" and "When Doves Cry" in my head.  By the time I was in high school back in the USA, Prince was mandatory for dance team camp, and I still remember running to the group that would be learning the routine to "Batdance".  I mean even people who were not Prince fans got caught up in Julia Robert's rendition of "Kiss" in the movie Pretty Woman  and everybody had something to say when he changed his name to a symbol to protest his contract with his record label.  But, I didn't care about the hair, the heeled shoes, the bizarre outfits, or any of the theatrics.  I was simply a fan of his music. 

When I opened Instagram today and saw that Prince had died, I didn't have to look for a Prince station to stream (which apparently you could not do anyway).  I just opened up iTunes and started listening to my Prince playlist.  Yes, I already had a playlist.  Like I said, I'm a real fan.  I danced around my kitchen to "Delirous", "1999"and "Let's Go Crazy". I sang "Kiss", "Diamonds & Pearls" and "Adore" at the top of my lungs.  I vehemently explained to my 2 year old (who did not care at all) that "Nothing Compares 2 U" is Prince's song that Sinead borrowed, and his version performed as a duet is THE definitive version of the song.  And then I found myself alone in my car (praise God for babysitting friends) driving to Starbucks to do some writing, listening to "Purple Rain" and the tears began to form in my eyes.  Now,  I always thought the song had a heartbreaking sadness to it that made me well up even when I was 10, but today the tears were coming from the thought that came to my mind as I listened to the voice of this man that I was such a fan of for so many years, "Did Prince know Jesus?"  I've heard all kinds of rumors over the years about his beliefs, but you never know what is truth and what is gossip, and even when you know someone personally, you can't know for sure that they have made the decision to follow Christ. However, I began to wonder, did he?  Did someone share the Gospel with him in a clear and concise way at some point in his life? Did he hear the message? Did he recognize his own sinfulness and need for a savior--something we all need to do at some point if we want to spend eternity in heaven with God--and give his life to Christ? 

I don't know.  I just don't know, and that is why my sadness went even deeper than it had been when I first heard.  I've been in a study of the book of Revelation since September with BSF International and my pastor just started an incredible series on that same book.  Most people study the book of Revelation and get caught up in trying to understand all of the symbolism,  the four visions, the timeline of the end times and more.  Scholars debate all kinds of issues, and in my BSF group, we have had many discussions about the things we don't quite understand in the book, but the fact of the matter is, we are all curious about how the world will end and what happens after we die. We watch movies about it, read books about it, listen to songs about it.  Prince's own "1999" reveals his own interest in the subject and was written almost two full decades before we all freaked out over Y2K (Remember Y2k?  How ridiculous did that turn out to be!)  

I find that my own curiosity is easily satisfied.  When you tell me that I'm not supposed to completely understand something, I'm totally good with that.  Each time I've studied Revelation, I've been told at the beginning that there are some intentional mysteries in the book that we are not meant to understand, and I'm 100% satisfied to not understand them.  What is clear, is that in the end God wins, the devil loses, and every person who has ever lived will be on one side or the other - living eternally and joyfully with God or eternally and torturously with Satan.   I know that there are people who will read this and scoff, because you just don't believe that it is this black and white, this absolute.  You don't believe it because you haven't yet put your faith in the one true God.  I know there are people who read that sentence and get offended that I would claim there is only one true God.  I do believe that. Wholeheartedly.  Completely. Without question.  If I didn't believe it completely, then I could not claim to have any measure of faith.  

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Just a week ago  as Revelation was coming at me from all sides, I wrote this prayer request, "Let my worship be more heavenly, my witness have more urgency, and my will be completely yielded to God's!"  It's that second part that is at the forefront of my mind today as I mourn the loss of an incredibly talented man.  Does my witness have enough urgency? I didn't know Prince personally, so I can wonder if anyone told him about Christ, but I know plenty of other people personally that I can speak to personally.  There are people in my life: friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, schoolmates that I'm not sure I've taken the time to tell the Gospel.  I don't know for sure that they have ever heard clearly and concisely the Truth: 

• We are all born thinking of ourselves and our own desires first and foremost.   It's obvious when you simply watch a 1 or 2 year old (I have both of those at my house right now, so feel free to come over and see it in action).  That selfish mindset is sin.  When you put yourself first and think only of your own needs you will lie, cheat, steal, hit, or do whatever you need to do to please yourself regardless of how it impacts others.

• God, our creator, is holy and perfect and can have absolutely nothing to do with sin.  He is eternal, meaning He has always existed and will always exist, so because He is eternal and can't have anything to do with sin, sin has to be finite, it has to end in death.  We all sin and the consequence of sin is death. 

• God sent his perfect son, Jesus, to this world to live a completely selfless life from his birth to his death.  He was brutally punished and killed as though he had committed crimes, when in fact he was innocent of ever doing any wrong, making his death the ULTIMATE sacrifice.  An innocent man, died on the cross for all of us who are not innocent, taking on the punishment of death that we all deserve and he never did earn.  

• Jesus was dead, for two days, but on the third day he rose from the dead and was seen alive by hundreds in the 40 days after he rose and before he went on to Heaven.  (1 Corinthians 15:3-8)

• All who place their trust in Christ, acknowledge their sinfulness and need for a savior, believe in His death and resurrection, and receive the gracious gift of His sacrifice will be saved and will get to live eternally with God.   

There it is.  The truth.  The Gospel. It's that simple.  Knowing that it is that simple, and knowing that the consequence of not receiving this truth is so incredibly horrific, I'm compelled to share this truth with every person I can.  If you are a believer, you too should feel this urgency.  I don't want to hear about someone that I actually knew personally dying and know that I never once shared this eternity altering truth with him or her.  Whether or not they receive it is on them, but don't you want to know that they had a chance?  Don't you want to know, without question that you tried?  What holds me back? What holds you back? What keeps us from sharing the Truth that we know so well and hold so dearly?  Fear of rejection?  In this day and age you may be labeled crazy for sharing the Gospel.  Actually that's been true in every age.  There has never been a time in the history of Christianity that someone wasn't labeling true believers as crazy.  You can either be "safe" and make sure everyone thinks you're "normal" or "cool" or "sane" and never share the truth that could mean someone you know facing eternity in hell rather than in heaven, or you could speak up for God; you could allow compassion to direct you and maybe be called crazy.  To quote the artist formally know on this earth as Prince, LET'S GO CRAZY!!

#WifeStuff: Spring Clean Your Marriage

I confess, the spring cleaning bug has grabbed a hold of me.  I've already rearranged my kids dresser drawers and started reorganizing their closets.    Next up: organizing the kid stuff in the garage and then I get to bust out my favorite gadget: the label maker.  Yes, I'm one of those women who likes to organize and arrange.  There is something about spring cleaning that helps me shake off the winter doldrums and embrace fresh life and energy. I'm not sure why I find it so thrilling to fit all of the Melissa & Doug puzzles in the perfect size tub, or why I feel a sense of victory when I create a whole new shelf space by putting away all of the newborn toys and accessories.  I just do.   Now before some of you bail out on me, no I'm not writing this to compel all the wives to get to cleaning.  If it's what you like to do, then head to The Container Store, grab your label maker of choice and get to it.  For those of  you who would rather pull your hair out  strand by strand than do any kind of spring cleaning, hire yourself an organizer (a side hustle I have considered taking up more than once) and let them do the work for you.  However, I do think all of us married ladies could benefit from doing some spring cleaning in our marriages.  Let's be real, gals, we all have some messy "closets" that could use some attention in our marriages, and I think the spring season is a great time to clean out, reorganize and inject some fresh energy in our relationships with our husbands.  Before I break it down, let me just say that I'm writing this wife to wife.  That means this is something for us to do ladies.  Don't get bogged down in what you think your husband needs to do or what he won't do. God wants you to be the best wife you can be as it pleases Him.  We must do things in response to God's love and grace, not in response to what our men may or may not be doing. That having been said, let's get to cleaning.

Clear Out the Junk

You can not begin to do any real cleaning, if you don't first get rid of the junk.  Just this morning I went through my jewelry box and got rid of all the single earrings that have long since lost their mates. I dumped all of the cheap costume jewelry from 5+ years ago that I never wear anymore, and I also trashed some randomness that had come to roost in my jewelry box--where and when  I acquired one polka dot shoe lace I will never know.  There was no point in trying to organize my jewelry, until I made some space by cleaning out the junk I no longer need or use.  How does this apply to your marriage?  NO, I'm not saying throw out your husband or his stuff!   Remember, in this spring cleaning exercise we are focusing on ourselves and what we can do to bring new life to our relationship.  That means throwing out the junk that gets in the way of your relationship.  What grudges are you holding against your husband?  What old hurt do you need to finally release?  I'm not saying he wasn't wrong (because he probably was). I'm not saying you weren't right (you probably were).  What I am saying is, you need to let go of the old stuff.  

I should clarify that anything that happened before today would qualify as old.  Yes, that's right.  God tells us in Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry".   You may not always be able to resolve every argument before you head to bed, but I think the bigger principle in this verse is that anger should not linger.  It is not enough to talk and apologize after an argument with your husband. You have to make sure that you are not holding on to any of the residual anger from that situation.  1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love "keeps no record of wrongs".  Girls, we are really good at remembering every wrong and keeping it filed away for future recollection, but that is a skill we need to lose.  It is the equivalent of having the scary hoarder closet in your house where you have piles of junk you never use, but won't throw away because you "may need it someday".  You're never going to use those bowling shoes that are a size to small, or actually make bread in that bread maker.  That's why those things are in the scary closet.  Keeping track of every error your husband has made serves no purpose unless your goal is to build up shrapnel to drop on him someday like a dirty bomb, and that is the action of a terrorist not a loving spouse.  Throw out that junk ladies. Stop reflecting on the bad and make space in your mind and heart for the good things that your husband has done and will keep doing for you.  Let his right moves linger in your heart and mind so that you will view him in a positive light. 

Find the Forgotten Treasures

It never fails when I start spring cleaning, I come across something that I forgot I have and really love.  Sometimes it's a fabulous pair of shoes that got stuck behind a box on a shelf.  This morning it was a necklace that was tucked away in my jewelry box that I hadn't worn in a couple of years.  I'm wearing it right now, because YAY!  I truly believe that there are some forgotten, hidden treasures in your marriage that got stuck behind some of the junk you needed to clean out.  Once you stop being mad about what he forgot to do for you last month, you might rediscover how great it feels when you catch him looking at you for no reason other than he likes what he sees.  Perhaps you'll rediscover a fun activity you guys have always enjoyed doing together.  Maybe you'll come across something tangible that he gave to you that puts a smile on your face when you reflect on his thoughtfulness in that moment.  You married this man for a reason. Once upon a time you were all excited to put on a cute outfit and wait for him to pick you up for a date.  You walked down an aisle, staircase, sidewalk or sandy beach with eagerness to say I do to this man.  There was something delightful about him that captured your heart.  I bet it is still there.  Oh it may be buried under work or kids or everyday life, but it is there. 

 My husband and I share a love of music and when we were dating we spent a lot of time listening to music and talking about old songs that we both liked.  Recently, we did this again when our little ones were asleep.  We pulled old rap and R&B lyrics out of our memories and laughed over our 90's taste together.  It was a simple and sweet evening of just having fun together.  What is your thing with your husband? What can you do to rediscover that treasure?  Proverbs 5:18 says,  "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth."   This verse is an encouragement to husbands to enjoy and delight in their wives throughout marriage just as they did when the relationship was young.  Ladies, our husbands cannot enjoy us if we are not looking for that same enjoyment.  I was told early in my marriage by my Christian therapist that as the wife, I set the tone 99% of the time, and that has proven to be true in the almost seven years I've been married.  Set a tone of joy and rediscovery with your spouse and see what treasures you'll find! 

Label EVERYTHING!

Spring cleaning is not complete for me until I've pulled out the label maker and left my mark on each space I've organized.  Labels help identify what things are and where they go.  They allow me to maintain the clean that I've just created.  I think we can do the same thing in our marriages as we spring clean.  Identify how you want to act and respond as a wife.  Are you joyful, loving, forgiving, selfless, and submitted?  If you answered yes to all of those, you are a big fat liar! None of us have accomplished all these things, but all of us should be working on having all of these traits.  Identify the kinds of things you want to say to your husband.  How do you want to respond when he misses the mark? Is there a better way to let him know you're hurt or bothered by something?  Label it! Practice it.  Put it in a place in your mind that is easily accessible.  

Just this week my husband said something that hurt my feelings. It was in NO WAY his intention,  it was just one of those things that guys can say to guys and find it funny, but because I'm all full of estrogen and chocolate and feelings, I got all worked up.  However, my mistake was in the moment when I responded by getting angry.  After reflecting on the moment the next morning,  I realized that he had no intention of hurting me and no clue why I was suddenly mad at him.  Later that next day, I apologized for my response and told him that I'm going to work on saying the very simple phrase, "Babe, that hurt my feelings." Anger is the easier response, but more harmful.  Saying I'm hurt requires me to show vulnerability and is tougher for me, but more honest and easier for him to respond to in a way that will bring us to resolution sooner.   I had to identify the better response and put it in the forefront of my mind for future use.  I labeled it, so that things will go smoother in the future.  

Sisters, I can tell you that I do not have it all together as a wife. I'm a work in progress, working on getting better every single day.  I mess up and start over all the time, but I live with the goal of having a godly marriage to the magnificent man God blessed me to call my own.  That means I have to care for my marriage in the same way I would care for any other precious thing in my life.  Spring cleaning my marriage is not about going through the motions, but about working towards a result that will bring us more joy and God more glory!  I pray that you will join me this spring in giving your marriage the love, care, and attention that only YOU can bring to it! 

The Good Stuff of Life: Lessons From a Two-Year-Old

Let's face it, being an adult is often not very fun.  You've got jobs, bills, politics, disasters, relationship drama, family drama, work drama, and all the other drama floating through your brain at all times. It is easy to forget about the good stuff of life and forget find ways to celebrate and enjoy yourself each day.  I'm as guilty of it as the next person, but I've recently realized that my two-year-old daughter, Faith,  is a master at enjoying the good stuff life has to offer. She's too young to be burdened with all the junk so she simply moves from one good moment to the other. Fortunately, I spend my days with her so I'm getting a crash course in learning  how to love life from moment to moment.  This week, I wanted to share some of her best lessons with you!

1. Everything is more fun with the people you love.
One of my daughter's favorite things to say to my husband and me is, "C'mon, you guys!"  Whether she's about to play with blocks, listen to her favorite jams, or look out the window, she knows she's going to enjoy it much more if we come along with her.  She has instigated many a family dance party or art project with those three simple words, and I have to confess she's right.  Whatever my mood was before, when I'm standing in the room with the people on earth I love the most doing just about anything, I find my mood getting better, a smile takes over my frown, and I lose track of time! This is true with my husband and kids.  It's equally true with my best friends.  Whoever "your people" are just find a way to spend time with them.  If you don't have a spouse, be sure you have some great friends.  If your family of origin is awful, find friends that will be your chosen family.  If you and your spouse are longing for little ones and it is not yet happening, get back to having fun as a couple.  God intentionally designed us to want to be in relationships with other people, so it is vital that we foster those relationships in our lives by spending time together.  Go bowling.  Go for a walk. Go play laser tag. Go talk over coffee.  Just go and do something with people who have your back! 

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.... A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9,12

2. There IS a time to dance!
No, that's not just a quote from Footloose, it's actually from Ecclesiastes too! We do a lot of dancing as a group in our home.  My daughter may instigate it now, but she came by it honestly, because I've been having dance breaks with my best friend since my single days (Regina, you know what I'm talking about).  It is nearly impossible to stay ticked off, sad, or lonely when you're dancing.  Put on the song that compels your body to shimmy and shake and get your dance on.  Now, I know some of you are saying, "Janay.  I. Don't. Dance."  Fine, close the blinds, pull the curtains, turn off the lights, and in a room all by yourself, turn up your favorite jam and SHAKE IT!!  No one has to know. No one has to see.  Whether your jam is by Nirvana, Gretchen Wilson, Prince, Tupac, Nsync, Earth Wind and Fire, Paramore or Mary Mary (I'm not ashamed to admit, I've been known to dance to all of these.) Whatever the genre, however good or bad your moves, in a group or Billy Idol style ("Dancing With Myself") a daily dance break will help you shake off the worst of your day and clear your mind of some of the junk!

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens,...a time to mourn and a time to dance...."  Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

3. Ask someone their name; you might just make their day.  
If there is one question I know I'm going to hear from Faith everyday, that question is, "Mommy, can I ask her her name?"  She has asked me this question at the Gap, the dry cleaners, the playground, the drive-thru, and pretty much anywhere else we have taken her.  If there is a new face in front of her, she wants to know his or her name. I have to confess, the first time she wanted to know the drive-thru person's name, I blew her off with some lame answer.  For some reason I can not explain, I was not comfortable asking the lady sticking her head out of the window at Taco Bueno what her name was.  I had no problem asking her for extra jalapeños, but asking her name seemed weird.  It has now been a few months, and not only do I ask, I roll down the back window and let Faith ask directly.  Yes, most people react at first with surprise, but you know what comes next every single time?  A smile!  Typically, the people we are asking are cashiers or store clerks or working in some capacity and are accustomed to people expecting them to offer a service without being acknowledged as a person.  It took my two year-old's genuine interest in people  to make me see how easily we look right through others, and how good we can make them feel by looking right at them, acknowledging them as a person, and being interested enough to ask something as simple as their name. Think of how much it means to us to know that our heavenly Father calls us by name.  Surely, we can offer a fraction of His love by calling those we encounter each day by their name. 

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."  Isaiah 43:1b

4. Have a little Faith.  
Yes, for me this sentence has double meaning. Having my own little Faith in my life brings me immeasurable joy.  If you have a child you know what I'm talking about. If you have lost a child and/or are still longing for a child, I pray for your broken heart and pray that you can know this joy personally whether you give birth, find a surrogate, adopt or whatever!  But this last point is not actually about my child, it is about the other meaning of this phrase.  It's about believing in the things you can't see.  No one can believe in the intangible better than a little kid.  My daughter is absolutely sure that her father is going to come home at the end of each day, swoop her up into his arms, tell her he loves her, and just delight in her company.  She doesn't doubt it.  At some point each day, she will tell me something that "my Papa" is going to do, say, fix, or solve.  He is her protector, her hero, her fixer, and her source of all knowledge and wisdom. If she asks me a question that I can't answer, she replies, "I'll ask Papa, he knows."   Her absolute faith in her father is a daily reminder to me that I too have a Father that I can have absolute faith in.  My heavenly Father is my protector, my hero, my fixer, and my source of all knowledge and wisdom.  There is no problem He can't solve, no hurt He can't heal, no question He can't answer.  He loves me perfectly and completely. He delights in me.  The same is true for you.  As you walk through your day, put yourself back in the position of being a child with a Father who is waiting for you to run into His arms  at the end of the day, so He can tell you that He loves you and remind you that you are His and He is yours.  With a child-like faith, you truly can get back to enjoying the good stuff that life has to bring!

He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.  Psalm 18:19

Don't Get It Twisted!

This past weekend, I sat on my couch watching the news coverage of the presidential candidates, eager to hear any of them say something that would get me excited enough to slap their bumper sticker on my car and confidently fill in the circle on my ballot next to their name on Tuesday.  I was hoping for a speech reminiscent of my favorite fictional president, Josiah Bartlett, from "The West Wing".  Granted, he was not real, and his words were the carefully crafted creation of Emmy & Oscar winning writer Aaron Sorkin, but still a girl can dream. However, my dream was quickly crushed, because instead of hearing inspiring speeches or even some boring ones, what I heard was a lot of name calling, mocking, and insult trading that sounded more like an episode of "The Simpsons".  I was disappointed and disgusted,and while I did still vote in the primary, I was incredibly put off by everything I heard.  I mean do I really want anyone of these people that can speak so thoughtlessly, rudely and immaturely to represent my nation to the world?  I even tweeted my feelings (I intentionally avoid commenting on politics on social media as a rule). 

As only He can, God only allowed me to linger over my disgust and distaste for this "bad behavior" of the candidates for a short moment, before He held up the giant, Holy Spirit, magnifying mirror in front of my face. You know the mirror, I'm talking about.  The one that makes the smallest blemish  look like a crater, but instead of a pimple on your face, it's an ugly spot in your character.  Suddenly, the question floating in my mind was, "What thoughtless, rude, immature thing have I said that has completely undermined my ability to represent Christ?"  OUCH!   It didn't take me long to come up with one or two (or three or four).  Sure, I'm not saying them on the evening news on national television, but I have said them in front of my children.  My husband has heard me speak things that don't exactly make me a great representative of the Savior.  I've gotten riled up on the phone with AT&T, Time Warner, Sprint, TXU,  or some other company that put me on hold one too many times without solving my problem.  I've let my frustration come out at the customer service desk at Dillard's, Target, Nordstrom (okay, not Nordstrom, but only because it is a magical place with incredible customer service where I'm always happy- that was a completely free, non-celebrity endorsement).  I may not have dropped F-bombs or screamed at the top of my lungs or called anyone a name, but I've certainly let my tongue take over and spoken words that were in no way loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, or exhibiting any measure of self-control ("What's that, Fruits of the Spirit, You can't grow on a tree with a twisted tongue? My bad!").  

This was certainly not a new discovery, but more of a reminder that God gives me on a regular, and I do mean regular, basis, because it is an area of weakness, an area in which I have always and likely will always struggle. I have to stay on my guard when it comes to my tongue or it will bring me down.  I venture to say this is not just true for me but for all of us when I read what the Bible has to say on the subject. 

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly

 will come to ruin.  Proverbs 13:3

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.  It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.   James 3:6

James goes on to warn us that when we allow our mouths to speak ill of others, all of whom are God's creation, made in His image, we negate any praise that we have spoken of that same God.  In other words, you might as well be speaking to God or about God when you are rude to or condemning of any person. Our tongues can be great instruments of praise and encouragement and joy, but they can also be horrific deliverers of pain and suffering when we allow them free reign.   If my children hear me say rude or ugly things about someone, I lose credibility when I try to teach them to speak kindly and respectfully to others.  When I lash out verbally at my husband in the heat of the moment,  it diminishes the impact when I later try to tell him that I love him and admire him.  When I'm irritable and pushy at the grocery store, it undermines my attempt to  invite that same cashier to church a few weeks later.  I can not allow my tongue to take over and start fires all around me. I can not allow my emotions to unleash my tongue and let it run untamed and out of control.  I can not allow my mind to rationalize and convince me to let my guard down and give my tongue free reign for any reason whatsoever.  

What you and I think of the candidates' words doesn't really matter.  What matters is what God thinks of how each of us behaves.  How is your tongue?  Do you have it on a short leash, guarding your lips and being careful of what you allow to slip out?  Have you recently let loose your own tirade (short or long) of unkindness, no matter how justified you felt in the moment?  Have you lost your credibility as a witness for Christ in your attempt to win a verbal dispute?  My prayer this week for you and for myself is that we all do a better job of guarding our tongue for the most important reason of all, for the glory of God.  I pray that we can all be witnesses for Him not just in what we do say, but in what we choose not to say.  I pray we can all keep our tongues under control, and that we don't get it twisted! 

#SingleGalSecrets: Slow Your Roll

Although I am a happily married woman, I have spent more of my adult life single than married and I have several friends still waiting for their man to get his act together and come find them, therefore, I'm always thinking about you single gals out there and ways that I can share some of the wisdom I gleaned in my single years and hopefully encourage you.  I'm calling these things Single Gal Secrets. They are not secrets in that they are hidden or particularly mysterious, but I think of them as the secrets to surviving and thriving in the single years.  I don't want you ladies to just be surviving being single; it's not enough to not die. I want to see you thrive and experience great joy and satisfaction right now in your life. 

So this secret must start with a confession.  In my single years, I once got angry with God.  Okay, maybe not so much once, more like intermittently.  I would have months and months go by when I felt in harmony with God and content with His will for my life, but invariably a time would come when I would look around at my life and find myself dissatisfied with my job, my financial situation, my city, or the lack of a man in my life. You're right, it was most often the lack of a man in my life.  I particularly remember when I was twenty-nine years old, I went to three weddings three weekends in a row. Yes, I was happy for my close friend, my not so close friend, and my younger cousin (that's right, I said younger).  Yes, it was great to celebrate others and know that love was still alive.  Yes, the cake was good. However, the thing that I was most aware of was the fact that it was not happening for me.  I had grown impatient with God and felt that He'd skipped me in the "waiting for a husband" line.  The more I prayed, journaled and talked out loud in my empty apartment about it, the angrier I got, until I was downright ticked!  I felt justified in my anger because at the time I was in seminary studying for the ministry.  I had quit my career, taken a huge pay cut, moved to a new city, and gone back to student life all in obedience to God's call, and He couldn't throw a husband my way?  Seriously?  

The funny thing about anger, especially getting angry with God, is that too often we are reacting to something without knowing the whole story.  How often have you become angry with a friend, family member or co-worker and later realized that the thing that made you angry was only part of the story, the rest of which completely defused your anger leaving you to feel foolish for having thrown a tantrum.  The Bible describes it perfectly.  Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29)  That November when I was so angry, I was assuming that the time was right for me to have a husband and that the man God had destined for me was ready to be a husband.  I was assuming that my life would be better with a husband. I was acting as if God had broken a promise to me or owed me an explanation.  I forgot the most important thing: He is God and I am not.  He knows the whole story of my life and I only know bits and pieces.  He has a perfect will, but He only reveals it to us in His timing.  I forgot that although marriage is God's creation and a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church, it is not actually promised to us all.  I forgot that I had prayed to not meet anyone while I was in seminary so I could focus on my studies and be fully devoted to preparing to enter the ministry (idiot = me).   Mostly, I forgot that I am not in any way, shape or form in control of my life, and I'm better off for it!  I wanted God to be in control, but I also wanted to direct how He controlled things.  Foolishness. There is nothing more dangerous than believing that your plan is better than God's plan. 

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12 

I get it. You're tired of waiting. You're frustrated.  You're lonely. You're unhappy.  You're (whispered) getting older.  I really do understand that you may be feeling the burden of  one or all of these things. I'm not going to tell you that I have some three-step plan for you to take that will result in a husband showing up on your doorstep. In fact, in this particular season in my life, when my anger had me resenting God's plan and tempted me to try to take the reins back from Him and run my own life, I was saved, not by the arrival of my husband (he didn't come on the scene for another 5 years), but by wise counsel and truth from God's word.  If you are being quick tempered with God because of what is missing from your life, focus instead on these things that you already have! 

  

God has given you forgiveness.

Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter,... Mark 3:28

You have been forgiven for all of your sins.  From the worst thing you've done to the gossip you shared last week and even the anger you've been feeling towards God, it has all been forgiven; you don't have to feel bad about any of it.  We are required only to confess our sin in prayer and turn back to God to know that we have been forgiven. Forgiveness is an incredible thing to cherish, because without it, we have no hope for the future.  That you have been forgiven by Christ means you are in relationship with God and have His love, protection, grace and mercy.  You have Creator of the universe looking out for you.  

God has given you the power of the Holy Spirit.  

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you;... Acts 1:8

The Holy Spirit will give you the power, the will, the comfort, the discernment and everything else you need to navigate this life, even this single life!  In the times when you are lonely, He will comfort you. In the times when you are trying to make things happen your own way, He will convict you and redirect you towards God.  In the times when you are trying to determine what your next step should be, He will give you the discernment to know which way to go.  You have 24/7 access to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  Rather than feeling powerless in your singleness, know that you are empowered by your faithfulness! 

God has promised you an abundant life.  

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 

Abundance does not start with a man or marriage, it does not start with a new job or your next raise.  You can and should be living an abundant life right now, in this season. Stop focusing on what you don't have and start focusing on what you do have.  Every believer has some aspect of this abundant life.  Maybe it is an incredibly loving family of origin.  Perhaps you have the best friends on the planet. Maybe you are planning a trip to your dream destination.  Perhaps you just found the perfect pair of shoes on sale! Whatever you have in your life that you can celebrate, do just that. Celebrate it.  Enjoy it. Relish it.  Recognize that this is the abundance in your life right now. 

Angry seasons are going to come, but you don't have to get sucked into them.  When your quick temper starts to get the best of you, slow your roll, focus on what you have, and relinquish control to the only one that knows what is truly best for you.  God has your best interest at heart and a perfect plan for your life.  Perfect, by His definition, not yours. And where else should our perfect plan come from than from the Perfect one? 

** Single gals, I'd love to hear from you! What secrets would you like me to share.  Please let me know in the comments section!  

#WifeStuff: A Word on Getting the Last Word

First, to the unmarried readers of my blog, please don't feel you need to skip over this post.  I really believe that there is something in this for you too, and if you read this and disagree, take heart, next week's post is just for you!

I remember hearing from a pastor that single Christians have the great opportunity to work through many of their personal issues and areas of weakness only to get married and discover they haven't done nearly as much work as they thought they had.  Yes, it's true, marriage is one of God's best tools for molding and shaping us into the image of Christ.  In over six years of marriage I can confess that God has done exponentially more work in me in the areas I struggle, than He did in the ten years before when I was a Christian but not yet a wife.  Today, I simply want to share with you one lesson that I have learned, and continue to learn, as a wife.  It is my great hope that this post will bring both conviction and encouragement.  I want to issue this warning as a chance to see clearly an area where you may be missing the mark and an opportunity to make a change, quickly! 

To quote Whoopi Goldberg's character in the 1990 hit movie "Ghost", 

"Molly, you in danger girl!" 

What danger you ask?  How do I know? And who on earth is Molly?  Well, in this post, you can call yourself Molly if you suffer from the bad wife habit of needing to have the last word. The danger is that it can kill your marriage in the long run, and I know because I am a recovering addict when it comes to getting the last word.   I remember as a kid having people tell me I should be a lawyer because I liked to win an argument.  I took that as a compliment in those years.  When I entered the workforce, I rather blindly saw my ability to win an argument and be right as great contributors to my success.  I did see a few instances when getting the last word did long term damage to relationships, but those were all temporary relationships, so I didn't think much of it.  

And then I got married....

My husband and I will candidly tell anyone that our first year of marriage was very hard and, in many ways, down right awful.  We struggled to synch up as a couple and get on the same page in various aspects of life for various reasons.  The result of that was a lot of disagreements over things both serious and trivial.  As a quick thinker and quick talker I became quite adept at getting the last word in most (if not all) of those disagreements.  For a while,  I was foolish enough to think I was winning those arguments and deluded enough to think my husband was going to come to understand that I was right and stop arguing with me so we could enjoy each other more.  The reality was, I was losing big time and pushing him away rather than bringing him around to my way.  Those quick thoughts and quick words were too often selfish, judgmental, and thoughtless.  I thought I was getting in the last word because I was on the "right" side of the argument,  when, in truth, my husband was often restraining from saying another word because he was being more loving and more gracious than I was.  What I didn't understand was the very principle that had been taught in pre-marital classes and counseling:  in marriage you only win when you both win because you are on the same team!

Let me ask you a question, wives.  When you think of a time that you got the last word in an argument, do you remember what your husband was like in the hours that followed?  Was he eager to hold and cuddle you or did your bed suddenly feel wider than the Grand Canyon?  Was he immediately ready to share his thoughts or feelings with you, or was the silence in the room almost tangible?  Was he tripping over himself to do something for you, or did he recede into his own space or task?  You may have to think carefully to remember. It may be hard to recall because you were so busy hi-fiving yourself over your "victory" that you didn't even notice his response. I know I certainly was in that first year, and all the while my husband was staying as far away from me as our apartment would allow.  What I didn't realize was that making my point with the last word too often raised another barrier between us.  Ironically, in this same year I was longing to feel closer to my husband and despairing over feeling loneliness in marriage. I was blind to the fact that I was creating more distance rather than creating a path for us to come closer together.  

In that hard season of marriage I heard God assign me the task of reading every scripture written to or about wives.  In that study a couple of scriptures jumped off the pages of my Bible and shook me by the shoulders as regarded my horrible wife habit. These verses revealed to me then, and continue to remind me now of the danger and failure of getting in the last word. 

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.  Proverbs 21:19

Don't be childish!
To be quarrelsome is defined as being one who is prone to argue in a petty manner.  Getting the last word in is exactly that, petty.  It's childish and hurtful, and according to the Bible your husband would be better off in the desert (hot, thirsty, and alone) than with you.  YIKES! 

...a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.  Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:13b-14

Think of the future!
To be prudent is defined as showing care and thought for the future.  When you are getting the last word, you are only thinking of the moment. You are trying to win that minute, and maybe you will, but you are losing the next hours, days, weeks, months and maybe even years of your marriage.  You got married with the intent of spending your future with this man, so act and speak as one who is working towards that future! 


The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.  Proverbs 14:1

What kind of brick is this? 
In the heat of the moment, however frustrated you may be with your husband, think about the things you are going to say. Your words are bricks.  The good ones build and expand your marriage.  The bad ones are hurled at your man like weapons causing concussions and even death.  Are your words going to build up your husband and prosper your relationship? If you have any reason to think that what you might say may damage his heart, mind, or spirit, know that you are also damaging your marriage and your home, and DON'T SPEAK! 

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  Ephesians 5:22

Picture God!
I know, you see the word submit and you get all weird on me, but focus on the second part of that sentence.  You are to treat your husbands with the same respect and regard that you do the Lord.  Would you say what you are about to say to God if He were standing in front you? Would you try to get that last word in with Jesus Christ?  If the answer is no, then the answer is no to saying it you husband as well.  

I said before that there are lessons you think you've learned when you are single that you realize you have only skimmed the surface of once you are married.  My conviction on this topic took me back to a verse that I had underlined in my early years as a believer (a single believer), and it is one I still must meditate on regularly to be sure that I keep it in mind when I speak to my own husband.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry....  James 1:19

One of the greatest ways to stop yourself from trying to get the last word is to be SLOW TO SPEAK. I'm not typically a big fan of slow, but I'm becoming a convert in this context.  Listening, slowing down before I speak, and slowing down my anger all work together to help us win as a couple, and that is the only way I want to win! 

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