Grief is a reality of life. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, a relationship ending, the death of a dream, or the end of a season of life, we are faced with grief over and over again. The sadness can be overwhelming; the weight of grief can feel suffocating. Grief can come and go in waves, so that just when you feel you've come out of it, some small thing can trigger your grief and send you right back into the fog of it again. I have experienced grief in many different ways through various seasons of my life and the one constant I can attest to is the fact that grief can't be put into a box. Yes there are stages of grief, but they are not necessarily linear. You can bounce back and forth from one stage to another. I have often wondered if the hard to pin down, seemingly chaotic nature of grief is the result of the "chaos" that our world was thrown into when sin entered the world, and the perfect creation that God spoke into existence became twisted and damaged by sin and death. Whatever the reason behind the roller coaster ride that is grief, I have learned some things from my grief experiences about how God will carry you through it, and how you can navigate through it if not with ease, then hopefully with a little more grace for yourself.
1. Let yourself grieve, no matter how recent or distant the loss.
The most ridiculous thing I think we do to ourselves in grief, is set some arbitrary limit on how long or how much we "should" grieve. Loss hurts! If your marriage just ended, your sister just died, or you were just fired from your dream job, you experienced a loss, and you are going to feel the pain and sorrow that comes with that loss. Don't measure your loss against another's loss. Your miscarriage is not less sorrowful than her spouse dying. All loss is loss and your hurt, hurts you. God himself assured us in His word, that there is a time to grieve.
"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: ...A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Ecclesiates 3:1,4 (NIV)
When sorrow hits you, don't try to block it out or "suck it up". Instead go ahead and allow yourself to feel the sadness and loss. My grandmother died over 20 years ago and I still have random moments when the sadness hits me all over again, and I cry. I miss her. That's absolutely okay. You miss the ones you love when they are gone and there is nothing wrong or shameful about that.
2. Take your sorrow to God.
There is no one more qualified to comfort you in your grief than God. He knows you are hurting and He is waiting for you to bring your pain to Him, as He wants you to bring everything to Him because He is your Lord. He understands grief because He has grieved Himself. Your grief is not a lack of faith nor is it a contradiction to the joy and peace that comes with knowing the Savior. Just this fall, we experienced our fifth miscarriage. I can tell you that it is absolutely possible to be heartbroken and thankful all at the same time. My sweet little family of four spent Thanksgiving day together in sweatpants as I waited for the child in my womb to pass from my body, having learned just days before that the heart had stopped beating. As I cooked our holiday meal I listened to my husband and my two living children giggle as they made gingerbread ornaments and my heart swelled with joy even as my eyes filled with tears of sorrow. Our grief is not an affront to God's faithfulness, but a reminder that we live in a fallen world that can bring us moments of happiness, but will never be the fulfillment of the hope we cling to. The perfect life will only come with the Savior's return.
I spoke and prayed my grief to the Lord even as I thanked Him for all that I do have. I cried out to Him and allowed the Comforter to do what only He can.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)
3. Know that your grief has purpose.
I'm not saying it makes it better instantly, but there is something precious about knowing that as I grieve, God will use my loss for His purpose. Just as the verse above stated, we are comforted in our grief so that we can comfort others. I have been the one passing on comfort, and I have been on the receiving end of someone else's comfort, and I can tell you that both bring me a little more peace. When I opened my mailbox this fall and received a card and a charm acknowledging the life I had miscarried this fall from a friend who was walking through her own miscarriage at the same time, I marveled at the goodness of God. She'd heard from a mutual friend of my loss, and when she could have rightly been curled up in her own grief, instead she extended love and comfort to me. She reached out and loved on me, which reminded me to look outside myself and my grief and see who around me was hurting. There is an amazing thing that happens when we let our grief remind us of others hurting around us. We begin to look more like the kingdom of God!
The greatest news I have for us all is that there will be no grief in eternity with God, but in the meantime, it is my prayer that we will all find comfort, purpose, and increased compassion for others in the midst of the grief we will all experience in the here and now. My prayer is that we can all find the little bits of good in our grief.
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